Darkness of my life

 Screaming into the darkness of my life

Keeping everyone away inside myself I hide

Everyday a little bit more I die

Wishing I knew best

If only I coul rest

Is it life or death

Crying red tears

Crying red tears

Yet smiling to my ears
Because I don't want you to see
What is really me

The craziness within

 

What if the one thing that quiets your craziness

Is the one thing that makes you a mess 

The thing you wish you could put to rest

Your biggest shame and secret 

But you need it to take a breath

Because of the anger, pain, sadness 

You don't deserve anything better

Punish yourself for being so weak​, so​ helpless

No ending the cycle nobody knows your true self

But every day you wish someone would break your shell

And save you from this hell

What's left of you but nobody's there

You're all alone in the darkness

No escape, you don't deserve anything better you're hopeless

If you think about giving up

 If you think about giving up

Cause all you do is mess up

And nobody cares if you give in

One more nail in the coffin

You are wrong

Be strong

There is still a chance

For a real change

Focus on tomorrow

Forget about your sorrow

The Cats

Have you ever blamed the cat(s)
If by mistake someone where to see
If you messed up covering up
Even a super small part
What you've been hiding for decades
Though that's always been your one mission
To keep a facade
A happy smiling face
Keeping everyone at a safe distance
Changing subject, getting the focus on anyone but yourself
So they don't see the disgusting monster you really are
Don't you forget you're also clumsy
Like anyone cares...
Nobody knows the sh*t you've been through
Stuff that happened to you
And they can never know
How you relive things every single day
The torture, the guilt and shame
And you know it's your fault
Cause you don't deserve anything better
Does it make you feel more ashamed
Or is it just another excuse
Then you find something else
Anything is better than the truth
An expert at lying
Not to hurt them
But to protect them from yourself
Cause nobody would get it
You can't help it
When you feel like you're about to explode
And you can't tell another soul
Sometimes waking you up in the middle of the night
Another nightmare or just reality hitting you in the face
Who knows, who cares
The craziness, anger and sadness
Your special secret friend
That doesn't judge you, never disappoints you, is always near you
How you crave it, need it
To calme the monster inside
Eating you alive
Endless cycle of shame
You hope nobody will ever see
You're messed up, useless, worthless, crazy
A lost cause with no one else to blame
But yourself
For ever meeting that new best friend
Two decades ago
Your biggest mistake
Your secret shame
Depending on it every day
Feeling it, needing it
As soon as everything is too much
As you always keep everything bottled up inside
Never sharing
Never daring
Just too ashamed
Just yourself to blame
No going back
Everything black
I'll see you next time
With another lie
Until then don't worry I'm fine

20 years

20 years of shame

20 years of blame

All those lines on my skin

The demon within

The walls are closing in

Nobody reaching in

Everything is fine

Keep believing this lie

20 years and still smiling

20 years and still pretending

No hope of a better day

No hope of a better day
When I can say for real I'm okay
Drop that mask and fake smiles
The hiding, pretending and all the lies
And not feel shame
Myself I am to blame
My mess, my mistake
Not sure how much more I can take

My own prison cell

I just saw that movie
Where that girl felt so bad
She was fuming and dying inside
She felt about to explode
And so weak at the same time
So weak for losing yet another battle
Because she needed to ease her pain
The only thing she knew would work
Even though she hated herself more after it
She knew she couldn't avoid it
She needed it
More than she needed to breathe
As she ran and shut the door
To do what needed to be done
They forced it open
Determined to be there for her
Determined to save her
At least this time
They held her tight
And even though she would fight to break free
They wouldn't let go
Until the feeling passed
Until that rage and frustration
Went away at least for a while
Now I thought "this is how you do it, this is how you care"
No hospital or other place
But I do not blame you
For what I don't tell you
As I'm all smiles
Pretending and lies
As far as you know I'm fine
This is my own fault
I only have myself to blame
My own prison cell

NOBODY WOULD MISS YOU

Where do you go
When the person you're running from is yourself?
There is no way out
No way to break free
Unless you call it quits
It's time you give up and give in
To your demons
Leave this world
Don't say goodbye
Because no one cares anyway
Nobody would miss you

THAT RELEASE

That release you seek
You desperately need
Everyday you bleed
You hate it indeed
It's killing you deep
But you need it to breathe

THE PAIN REMAINS

You watch the flow
As your blood goes
You sit, lost in thoughts
As your mind can finally relax
Then you feel bad for doing it again
You're ashamed and just want to do it once again
To punish yourself for being so weak
Whatever you do the pain remains

ANOTHER DAY

Today I wish I could be stronger
But I'm dying to feel better
To bury that hate and anger
For that I have to feel pain
I am trying to fight everyday
But everyday I fail
I am weak
All I can do is bleed
Yes I hate it
But at the same time love it
Whether I hate or love it
All I know is I need it

HAPPINESS FOR YOU, NOT ME

Happiness isn't for me
I will never be happy
Happiness is for others
That's all that matters

Happiness gives you wings
Fills your heart, mind and soul
Happiness
Is never without regrets

Happiness makes you smile
Like everything's alright
It's like you can fly
You know you're alive

Happiness I don't deserve
Happiness I will never get
Happiness is for you
Me that's something I'll never find

I AM BAD

All of me is bad
Everything is black
Rage and sadness are red
An addiction I wish I never had
Darker everyday
Wishing not to see another day

YOU BLEW IT ALL

There is no turning back
When everything is black
Why did you do it again?
Wishing this time would be the end
Pain travels all over your body
Now do you feel so happy?
No chance to recover
Things will never get better

NOW DO I SEEM SO HAPPY

Open up your eyes
But don't you see the scars
10, 1000, 100000...
Too much to count
Always new ones
But you will never know never see
What is really me
Those everyday I hide
As I can't see the light
And I'm drowning deeper
Everyday in my own blood
Creating my own grave
Yet trying to please you all
Be what you want me to be
Say what you want me to say
What you want to hear
You live knowing a lie
Because I am nothing real
Everything I say is made up
So you think I'm happy
And smiling I go away
Lock myself up in my private place
Where it's just me and the blade
Then I will tell you with a big smile
How a great day it is
As I'm hoping that the pain in my head will die
Before the next time...
Open up your eyes
Yes it's me I hide

UGLY EMPTY BODY

My skin is ugly
And me I'm empty
Everyday so angry
I love you you hate me
I hate my mind and body
Nothing good about me
Bleeding because you make me
People I love always leave me
The only one to blame is me

SAVE ME FROM ME

She suffers so much yet she won't tell
Hiding, she is so ashamed of herself
Everyday living the same hell
Wishing someone could save her from herself

BLEEDING ALWAYS

Sitting here bleeding
Feeling my skin burning
As myself I'm cutting scratching bruising and hitting
Enjoying the feeling
Feeling the pain in my head dying
As on the pain on the outside I'm focusing
Finally breathing
Living or dying ?

Everyday the same
The blade, the same nightmare
Of myself I'm so ashamed
Wishing I was in my grave

ANOTHER BAD DAY... NOT OVER YET !

Slicing myself into pieces
Nothing else could feel like this
That pain I need it
Hate doing it
Dying inside
Bleeding outside
Everyday the blade on my skin
A battle I can never win
I wish I was dead
I wish I could rest

THAT HELL WILL NEVER STOP

I can't cry
I can only bleed
I got no tears
The blade always near
Don't be sorry
Don't hate me
For the lies I tell
And the fake smiles
Fake stories to show happiness
I hate myself more everyday
No more hope
The blade my only friend
I'm bad, I'm nothing
I don't deserve any better
A useless worthless bad mess
I hide as I bleed
Too ashamed of myself
To say that
Maybe it's you I need

YOU DON'T KNOW A THING

Wearing a mask
Always smiling
So hurt inside
Can barely breathe
And hard to sleep
Living in hell
Something you could never understand

Always there
My secret nightmare
Worse than dying
Relief is just
A cut away
Killing the monster inside me
Bleeding outside
Hurting and healing
Or just murdering

That pain neverending
Scars everywhere
Nobody can ever see
Nobody can ever know
Ashamed of myself
Hiding far away
In my safe place
Lying to everyone
Being another person
Someone I've built over the years
To hide everything inside

You don't know me
What I feel deep inside
How I wish to die
Not that I've never tried
But I'll keep smiling
And be the nice person I show others
It doesn't matter
As long as nobody else suffers
I deserve it all
Nobody else does

I'm bad
I'm a lost cause
Suffering and hiding
Yet everyday I'm smiling
Inside I'm dying

DONT WORRY

Everyday I'm telling you I'm alright
And making up happy stories so you think I have a life
Not thinking that maybe something isn't right
That everyday the blade controls my life

SOMEONE MAKE IT STOP !

Deeper and deeper the blade goes
Watching as the blood flows
That relief I need
Everyday I bleed
Blade to skin everyday
I wish there was another way!

S U I C I D E

Many times I've tried
Not to see the light
But always woke up
Knowing I screwed up

DEAD ALREADY

Secret Wounds To Hide The Pain
Secret Wounds To Hide The Shame
Nobody To Save Me
I'm Dead Already

SECRET WOUNDS SECRET BLADE

I'm only the shadow of myself
Forgot to count how many lies I tell
To protect them all from myself
Ashamed of who I am
Protecting everyone from that hell
Everyday I hide myself
Not showing my true self
Hiding that I live in hell
As everyday I'm destroying myself

SAVE ME FROM... ME

Come and save me
Free my head and body
If you even care about me
No I know there is nobody
Another day like this will kill me
Or maybe I'm dead already
Asking you silently
To come and save me

ALWAYS THERE FOR ME, HUSH DONT TELL ANYBODY

Crashed on my skin
On my free will?
Further inside
Again and again
You can't stop at one
It goes so fast
Following you with my eyes
Or maybe trying to forget
What you're doing
I see you
Or maybe you see me
You hurt me
It feels good
I can breathe again
I'm bleeding
Once again
You gave me that relief
For how long?
Shy, looking away
Again you leave me ashamed
When the next time?
Go back and hide in your secret place
Till the next time...

SECRET FRIEND

You take it
Because you want it
Because you need it
Truth is you can't live without it

You try hard to fight
But you can't win this war
Darkness replaced the light
So much has been lost so far

The pain
Your shame
Red in the rain
Nothing will ever be the same

The cold bite
The red shining through the night
Yes you see me smile
Don't worry I'm fine

I HIDE

Screaming into the darkness of my life
Keeping everyone away inside myself I hide
Knowing that it will never be fine
On my face nothing but that fake smile

NEVER WILL I BE HAPPY

It's white, it's red, it's me
Scars all over my body
Dead already
Never will I be happy

DEEP INSIDE

Deep Inside
I die
As outside
I smile

TO NUMB THE PAIN

All those red lines
Tell you where the blade's been
Behind every scar
Hides a secret pain, secret rage
Some are white, new ones are red
Are they even as big as the pain in my head ?
So many secrets hiding beneath my skin
What words can't describe
The blade my friend
And secret shame

HOLDING IT ALL INSIDE

You don't know what I'm feeling
As I hold it all inside
You think I'm happily daydreaming
When I really wish to die
You don't know what I'm doing
When I go to the bathroom and hide
You don't know that everyday I'm bleeding
As I'm feeling so bad inside
You don't know I'm dying
As I tell you I'm fine with a big smile

24 YEARS OF SUFFERING

24 years of suffering
Seems like it's neverending
No more breathing
As I'm bleeding
Myself I am murdering
And I've kept hiding
As I'm dying

PAIN IS WHAT YOU NEED

It feels good
To be hurt
That ugly skin
Sliced into pieces
Everyday the same nightmare
When I lose control
When it's too hard
And I smile to the world
As I hide that painful secret
Nothing but shame and fear
If someone was to find out
That can never happen
I don't want to be a burden

SWEET PAIN, SWEET RELIEF

When pain is your best friend
The only one to understand
How you hurt, how you suffer
So much pain and anger
Everyday drowning deeper in your sea of blood
Always wishing it would all stop
You hide, so ashamed
It's just you and the blade

IT'S KILLING ME

Writing
Is hiding
A suffering
That's killing

NOT WANTING TO BELIEVE MY OWN WORDS

My poetry
Is my life
But yet I will lie about it
So don't ask for the truth
You won't like it
Facing it is too hard
Writing is okay
Then believing it's all just a lie
I don't want your pity
I don't want you to be sorry for me
So just stick to the lies I tell
Before I die and go to hell

LYING TO MAKE EVERYTHING ALRIGHT

Everyday I lie and hide
Knowing that it's never gonna be alright
Watch me as I die

HIDING SUCH A SUFFERING, DEALING WITH A KNIFE

Closing my eyes
Finding relief in a knife
Those tears I hide
They're kept inside
As the pain, the rage so alive
Runs down my skin with the knife
Everything left behind
At least for a little while
Relieved and ashamed, I hide
Oh, my precious knife !

THOSE FEW MINUTES OF RELIEF

I feel it running down my skin
Leaving a red mark everywhere it goes
The rage and the bad in me slowly leaving my ugly body
Letting place to a peaceful feeling
Inner calm
Nothing else matters
Relieved
Not for long
Before the feeling comes back
Stronger
It never ends

LOST IN A NON-UNDERSTANDABLE MESS

Lost in a non-understandable mess
Drowning more everyday
Wondering if the end is near
How much longer do I have to suffer ?
What if I can take it no more ?
Will you come rescue me
Even if I don't ask you ?

HATE, PAIN, DISGUST

You molested my pure, innocent, body
As you forced yourself on me
Killing what was left of me

IT WAS A YEAR AGO

He said he loved me
I guess it made me feel happy
Then the next thing I know
He lay me down
He stripped me naked
And my vision went black
As he did that to me
I was petrified I couldn't move
It all happened so fast
He hurt me so bad
In my head and body
It's been now a year
And I still can't sleep
Or even try to live
As I keep reliving it 24/7 in my head
Day and night
Always feeling that pain
And all those nightmares
Scared of men to death
Hating myself even more
Talking about that to nobody
Trying to pretend it didn't happen
I wish I died a year ago
The blade here more than ever
I always thought
My first time
Would be something special
So nice and romantic
And certainly not... rape!
Now everyday as I'm hurt by all that
And everyday I blame myself
Thinking it's my fault
I trusted him, he loved me
Those thoughts as I replay that hurt me so bad
It's killing me more everyday
Keeping it all inside
Like always all I can do is hide
And ease the pain my own way
The blade closer than ever

ONE PAIN TO GET RID OF ANOTHER

Shutting my eyes
Feeling kinda high
Blade falling on the floor
Opening a new door
No more emotional pain
That sweet release to gain
Emptyness in my head
Now at least I can rest

MY SWEET DRUG

Feeling so bad at night
As it's not only during the day
I don't always know why
It sometimes comes for no reason
Calling me out of sleep
I so hate it but I so need it
Nothing I can do, I'm addicted

COURAGE

It takes more courage
To put down that knife
Than use it
I wish I was strong
But I'm weak
I swear sometimes I try to fight
But it's so hard it hurts so much
Much more than you could ever imagine
Too hard I can't do it
It's part of me I need it
I wish you could teach me another way
Show me how
Save me

ANOTHER RED TEAR

Why did that red tear escape my body
To join her 1 000 000... other friends
What happened this time ?
What if I can't tell why ?
Am I bad for being who I am ?
Or am I bad for hiding the real me to everyone
Or bad for failing when trying to change, get better
So many questions left unanswered in my silly head
I will never find the answers
Those red tears fall everyday
It is who I am, what I've become
And it's almost been a decade now
And sadly I know it will never stop
I have tried but am not strong enough
It is too hard it hurts too much
I'm a worthless mess
A lost cause
So don't waste your time on me
Even though deep inside I wish you could save me
But hush tell nobody

NOTHING TO SAVE

Nobody cares what I want
Or even feel or think
I'm invisible anyway
I'm nothing at all
You can't save me
Because there is nothing to save
I'm dead already
And think I have always been

DYING IN THIS HELL

Dying in this hell
Wishing you could help
Wondering what you'd do
If only I could tell you

I'M FINE, CAN'T YOU SEE ?

Wondering what happens if you go too deep
Will the nightmare end then ?
Everyday the same hell
You try to be strong
But you know you can't
Addictions ruin your life
You're just waiting to die
You want it all to stop
You've had enough
You want to be free
You know nobody can save you
Who the hell cares anyway ?
You're all alone
With your only way to cope
Dying in this hole
And yet everyday
You fake a smile to everyone
And tell lies
And everyday everyone believes that you're fine !

THAT BLOOD I LOST

Writing with my blood
Looking for a cloth
Trying not to get it rough
Thinking I've had enough

RED SEA

Lost in a red sea
For eternity
You don't know me
You can't save me

NO TEARS

No tears in the eyes
They fall from my arms
I hide and tell lies
Everyday so much harm

LOOKING AT THE SKY

Looking at the sky
Like to say goodbye
Holding on a knife
Wanting to end this life

I WISH I COULD

My skin is screaming for me to stop
But my mind won’t let me
Everyday more tears of blood
Trying to escape this painful reality

WORSE THAN DYING

My scissors my only friend
The only one to understand
All that suffering
Worse than dying

WHEN U NEED SOMETHING U LOVE & HATE

It hurts so bad
But feels so good
Why so sad and mad
Doing myself no good

ERASE MY PAST

I want to turn back
I so wish I could
I would have never gone mad
I would have never done that

SECRETS AND LIES TO HIDE THE PAIN

My secrets lie behind
My silences and fake smiles
And everything I hide
The pain I feel inside

LOST IN A RED SEA

Lost in a red sea
You can't save me
Hiding in my shell
Scared of myself
Everyday I live in hell

A LOST BATTLE

Can you ever win this war
When everyday you look at yourself
Wishing you could cry
And be free from this hell

THOSE FEELINGS

I cannot explain what I feel
But I know it's for real
That pain everyday I feel
In the end is it such a big deal ?

I LIE TO MAKE EVERYTHING ALRIGHT

When everything's wrong
I say everything's fine
Whn you wonder what's going on
I smile and tell you a lie

YOU

Save my life
Make everything alright
Take my hand
Say that you understand
And will never leave
But always be there to help me heal

CANT CRY NO TEARS NO MORE

I cry my eyes dry
As I watch myself bleed
I got no more tears
As they would never ease
The pain I've always felt inside
And always had to hide
I wish I would die
So that relief through my skin everyday I wouldn't seek

AM I TO BLAME

Am I to blame
For all the pain ?
I live in a lie
As everyday I hide
That addiction
I wish I could be strong
I want to just give up
I wish I could just wake up

ALL I KNOW IS I NEED YOU EVEN IF I HATE YOU

The only friend I can turn to
At any point in the day and night
Always there to ease the pain
And make me feel better
Never giving up on me
Always near
Do I hate it, do I love it ?
Whatever, all I know is I need it

A FRIEND

A friend
Always there to take your hand
The blade
Always there to ease your pain

WORDS OF HATE ON HER BODY

She was writing words of hate all over her body
With her own blood hoping you would never see
The dark secret she's been hiding for years
Secretly hoping that herself someone could save

MY CLOSEST FRIEND

Everyday I try to be strong
Everyday I know what I do is wrong
But it's my closest friend
The only one to help and understand

WRAP YOUR ARMS AROUND ME

Wishing I was in your arms
So I wouldn't be dying inside
As you wouldn't let me
Everyday hurt my body

I DRAW YOU A PICTURE ON MY SKIN

Everyday I draw you a picture
With a blade
I draw it on my body
Deep in my skin
And that red fountain
Always appears
To take away my pain
Decrease that frustration
Wash away my sorrow

BLEEDING TO EASE

Everyday I bleed
Knowing you don't care
No one's there
It's just me and the blade

NOBODY

I can trust nobody
Be real with nobody
Be honest with nobody
Say the way I really feel to nobody
Confide in nobody
I can't be me with anybody
Because they all betray me

?

I thought I had a true friend
But I was wrong once again
I thought this one would be on my side
And finally make me see the light
He would sometimes even make me smile
And tell me "no lie"
But again I was all wrong
And probably was all along
I could never forgive, never forget
That's all I ever get
And I even had some hope at times
But should have known it was all lies
I wanted to believe that he was different
But can a guy ever be different ?
I wanted him to slowly, or soon, know all of me
And often hoped, dreamed, he could maybe help me
But it always seemed so scary
Now that everything is gone
I don't know what's going on
Who my true friends are

PAIN, PAIN, PAIN

My only escape
Me and the blade
Everyday so much pain
Bleeding in the rain

ADDICTIONS & WITHDRAWALS

Withdrawals
When something's missing
Something your body doesn't want
Something your mind's craving
Something you need
When you try to resist
You feel so bad
Your body shaking
Your mind wandering
That inner voice saying
"Just one more time"
"The very last time"
But you know it's just a lie
As everyday you say it's the last time
You can't fight
And always give in
You know you'll never be alright

HEAL ME ?

Stop the bleeding
Heal the suffering
Kill the inner demons hiding
No more feeling
That pain dying

BODY DOESNT WANT IT MIND CRAVES IT

An addiction
Is like poison
Eating you inside
Craved by the mind

NOTHING YOU COULD DO FOR A LOST CAUSE :(

Those thoughts inside my head are killing me
But yet I won't tell anybody
My suffering, my battle
Nothing anyone could handle
Bleeding for the way I feel
One day I wish I could heal

MY SWEET BAD RELIEF

When I make myself feel
As everyday I try to ease
My inner demons leave
Through my own blood as I bleed
I feel that inner peace
Before again too bad I feel
And once more try to reach
My sweet bad relief

ADDICTIONS KILL

Addictions change a person
You're not yourself anymore
Far from all
Honest or real with none
Because you keep it a secret
So nobody knows
How you destroy yourself everyday
Sadly, the only thing you can think of day and night
Torturing you every second of everyday
Even though you try hard to fight
Knowing it's wrong it's bad
You always give in the temptation
Yourself you can't control anymore
That addiction has power over you
Living hell everyday
Hiding from all
Suffering alone
You wish you could tell
A friend how much you need them
But once again you just keep to yourself
Hoping this hell would end

EVERYDAY I HIDE AND DIE

I bet you've never felt like this
Tension building up inside
So hard so fast
So hurt deep inside
About to explode
I have to be hurt on the outside
To feel better in the inside
But you can't understand
You wouldn't even want to try
Everyday I hide
Everyday I die

DONT CARE NO MORE

Trapped in a world of my own
Chaos inside me
Nothing but pain, anger and more
Also emptiness and death
Everything I never say
Nothing left of me
Been bad to myself for too long
Everything going wrong
Keeping to myself
Just living in hell
That's all I deserve
I don't care no more
I give up
I'm a lost cause

TRAPPED IN THIS HELL I KEEP SECRET

Trapped in my life
Never leaving without a knife
I can't cry any tear
The blade is always near
Because all I can do is bleed
Because it's what I need
I have no choice, no control
That addiction took it all
Trying to get rid of that pain
Red tears falling like the rain
I need it to get through the day
It's now been 7 years since that very first day
The only way to ease that tension and everything I keep inside
As from all everything everyday I hide
This pain must remain unseen, only to me it's real
To you it would seem unreal
Those secret wounds will never heal
Anyway, is it such a big deal ?
It started as a way to escape those overwhelming feelings
Now everyday as I have to do it it's worse than dying

Nobody I talk to, it's my secret

Of course one I will always regret
I lost myself along the way
I wish you could save my life everyday

WISHING I NEVER DID THAT

Lost in fear and hate
As well as hurt and pain
This is worse than death
Nothing you could ever understand
Because you've never done that
And trust me I wish I never had !

I'M FINE, REALLY, BELIEVE MY LIES

I live in a nightmare
But yet pretend to all that it's a dream
Making up happy and funny events and stories about me
So they will like me
And not get to know the real me
Never wanting to face reality
And never sharing with anybody
Because it's too scary
So I always live in that lie
That everything is fine
Everyday telling you that everything's great and I'm fine

BLOOD FALLING LIKE A RIVER

I'm broken into pieces
Nobody could ever understand this
I can't be put back together
Blood falling like a river

CHANGE DOESNT HAPPEN

Why should I
Believe in change
When I've tried so hard
Several times in the past
Always failed
Everything even worse after each try
I finally gave up
This addiction I can't beat
No, that battle I always lose
Will have all of me
But it's our secret
It's just between you and me
Dear diary don't betray me !

DO YOU LOVE OR CARE ?

Do you love me the way I love you
Or are you playing with me too ?
Would you catch me if I fall ?
Would you even care at all ?

SURVIVING OR DYING

Am I trying to die
Or am I trying to survive ?
Why do I have to bleed
When I'm trying to ease ?
Why am I alone
With my only way to cope ?
Why can't I look into your eyes
As I'm telling you a lie ?
Why so much pain and anger
Why do I have to suffer ?
Why won't you just let me die
And be relieved from that battle I can't fight

MY SILENT SCREAM

Everyday scars run deep
Because I can't scream
My skin tells a million stories
As everyday I bleed
You can't hear me
Those red tears are my secret
This is my silent scream

SOMETIMES HIDING IS HARD

I hid my arm behind my back
And also quickly hid the blade
As I heard you coming closer
And didn't want you to find out
What I've been hiding for so many years
Tears of blood still falling on the floor
Yes, like everyday I did it again
Now I am so ashamed
Oh God I hope you will never see
You can't know what is really me
Keep taking those fake smiles for reality
And believe that I'm truly happy and nothing's wrong
Keep thinking I'm the funny girl you like
Ignoring that it's just an act
To hide everything else so deep inside
And yet at the same time I wish
You would make everything alright

STILL FALLING HARDER

That pain will never leave
Nothing will ever heal
Lost, confused, desperate and all alone
Everyday harder in secret I fall

DONT BE LIKE ME

Bleeding out my demons everyday
Trying to ease my own way
Wishing there was someone to take it outta my hand someday
Showing me another way

SECRETS KILL

How could you ever forget
When it's marked deep on your skin
Days after days
After so many years
Your biggest secret ever
It won't go away
So you will never forget
And never understand
How you became this mess

GETTING RID OF ME

Blood leaves my body
As life leaves me
Don't you worry
Soon you'll be happy
As you got rid of me !

LOST, DEAD

Once lost
Never found
Once dead
Never cried

NO MORE TEARS TO CRY

Sadness in the eyes
No more tears to cry
Lost in the lies
(just) waiting to die

FAKE SMILES, REAL PAIN

The fake smile fades
As the hidden tears remain
And so does the pain
So you buy new blades

SECRET PAIN

Secret pain
Blood in the vein
In secret let out a few drops
Close to bandages and cloths

ME

I need to suffer on the outside
To kill the demon inside
My body is like an open book
But you could only see if you took a look
And I don’t want you to see
What is really me

AM I WRITING TO FORGET OR TO REMEMBER ?

I just write for myself
Feeling safe as nobody around me could read
So I can say anything I want to say
And be honest with myself, what I feel

SO SICK OF LIVING LIKE THIS

So hurt, about to explode
Heading for her purse
To find her needed knife
Seeking relief
Deep inside she wants to scream
Alone in the bathroom she shuts her eyes
Ready to find relief with the blade
Soon the blood follows
Nobody could understand the way she feels
Herself she couldn’t explain
She feels a bit better as she feels that well known pain
But also so ashamed for what she’s done once again
She’s in another world for a short moment
Feeling nothing but that new pain she herself caused
Her head seems empty for a while
She feels better and yet so bad
Hating herself even more for doing that
Wishing there was someone to take her out of it
Someone to care and love her
And show her another way

SAVE ME FROM MYSELF

Save me from myself
Hold me tight and never let go
Tell me that everything will be alright
That you can save me
Free my head and body
Let me out of my prison, that addiction
My life
My death
My suicide

CANT PUT WORDS ON MY FEELINGS

I can’t put words on my feelings
Or anything that’s happening
But as nobody never listened
We will never know what would have happened
It doesn’t matter now
They can’t see I’m going down
Everyday the way/what I feel I don’t understand
As I look at the blade in my hand
After keeping many things inside for some time
It explodes big time
As I can do nothing else but use it on myself
Everyday I hide from all as I live in hell
Everyday I wish it was a nightmare and I will wake up
But as I feel that pain I need
And see myself bleed
I know this is no nightmare
It’s real
I’m a lost cause
I will never heal

ANOTHER NIGHT

At night again
I can’t sleep
Don’t feel well
Don’t know why
But it won’t go away
Unless…
No I don’t want to think about it
But I can’t not to
The only thing in my mind
Day and night
All the time
I’m sick of this life
Please don’t let me do this
I’m on my knees begging for release
Hold me tight
Tell me that with you by my side it’ll all be okay
Tell me that you can change my life
And make it all right
Make it worth living
Please take it away from me
Out of my hand
Tell me I don’t need to be ashamed of who I am
Just do something
Don’t let me go on like this
After so long I’ve been too far already
I reached the bottom
And fear I would never see the light again
Because it feels like this is the end
Please tell me you can do something
But now I realize
That at 2.21 am I’m wasting my time
You’re not there
Nobody is
I’m all alone
Dying in this
I guess I’ll just do it again
Then maybe I can close my eyes
And tomorrow will start another fight
That I know I can’t win
The only thing I can do is smile
And tell everyone that I’m okay or fine
And that everything is alright
Everyday the same lie
But as long as you believe it it’s fine

SHARP LIKE A BLADE

Sweet like a kiss
You follow my vein
Sharp like the blade you are
You enter my skin and make me bleed
We become one

THE SMILE OF PAIN

The smile of pain
The hidden suffering
Red tears from a vein
Everyday this is happening

A GIRL IN SORROW

A girl in sorrow
Hoping there’s no tomorrow
Too much pain
Nothing more to gain

I’M SORRY

For everytime I say I’m sorry
For hurting you
For not being strong
For not listening when you say ‘it’s for your own good’
For every lie I told you and will tell
For sometimes being distant
For wondering if you really care
For not trying harder
For not being a great friend
For not being someone better
I’m sorry for being me !

LOVED BY NONE

Abandoned by all
Loved by none
Everyday harder I fall
Soon to be gone

TEARS

Tears in the rain
Tears on the blade
Tears of shame
Tears of pain
Tears of anger
Tears of blood
Tears of sadness
Tears I cry
Tears before I die

SHE’S GONE FOREVER ! WHY DID YOU DIE?

I’ve been asking myself that for a while
We weren’t that close anymore
But you’ve always meant a lot to me
I remember when we were 8
We were young and innocent
Dreams filling our head
We were best friends
I remember those things you said
The first time I tried to kill myself
That day at school
But I guess you changed your mind
Why did you do this ?
Why did you succeed what I always failed?
Why are you gone ?
Your mom was crying on the phone
I couldn’t believe what she was telling me
Still can’t now
It’s a mistake
You should be still here and me dead
Hope you rest in peaceI’ll never forget you !

THE VERY FIRST ONE

7 years have passed
Since that very first time
I turned to the blade
Trying to ease my pain
Feeling like it was the only way
Letting the pain out
As you discovered my skin for the first time
And I made a first scar
The very first one
I wish it was the only time
What I felt that day I will never forget
Of course it hurt
And the blood followed
It hurt but yet it felt good
I thought I had lost my mind
Wondering what had happened
What I had done
Never thinking that from that day I'll be different
Everything would be
But I felt better, relieved
For sure now I wish I never did that
Because soon you, dear blade, and I became so close friends
We're like one
Everyday I know where to find you
But I wish I didn't have to
Tired of hiding
Fearing that someone around me would find out
My secret life
Why I don't talk, get mad or cry
But always put on the fake smile on my face
Appearing so calm when it's burning and boiling inside
How I secretly deal with things my own way
As I use you, sweet blade, everyday
Not because I want to but because I have to
You got me addicted to you
It's the only way
Only you will listen to me
And understand me
You care about me
And can relieve some of my pain, anger and stress...
Things that no one else could do
Anyway they don't care
Nobody else is there
I'm ashamed of the way you made me
That mess in my head and body
Everyday you kill me
As you control me
That first time I was only 16
I had all my life to live
Now everything's gone
As I have nothing left
Dying without you
Dying with you

DYING IN THIS NIGHTMARE

Dying in this nightmare
This mess I made
Please get me out of it
I can't go on like this

TAKING EVERYDAY PAIN

Down my veins
Tears of shame
Everyday the same
Taking everyday pain

SECRETS ARE WALLS

Secrets are walls
That keep you alone
You're always on your own
When everything falls

THAT DAY !

I dream of the day
I'll go to bed
Proudly telling myself "I didn't do it today"
Hoping I'll be strong the next day too
Hoping I'll be calm inside
And won't have to use it
That razorblade I love and hate

DEAD OR ALIVE ?

Am I alive
Or am I dead ?
I must be somewhere in between
Sometimes I wonder as I bleed

A LOST BROTHER

First off : never think I’m stupid
I can recognize the signs when I’m played with, used
I know you found new people to talk to
You don’t need me anymore
Long ago I should have known
That you wouldn’t want me in your life forever
That you weren’t different than others
Being close to me until you found new friends
Just using me like everyone else
I’m not stupid I can see the truth
But of course I won’t tell you
My fault for getting attached to you
Considering you the brother I always wanted to have
Everything you let me believe
That I needed you
That you were there for me
That you would never let me down
That we could confide in each other
That we could understand each other
That you would never lie to me
That one day we would even meet
That you were looking forward to it
How could I be so stupid ?
I should have known you would go away
Once you found better people
I’m not stupid you talk to me less everyday
Barely a word anymore
Only talking to me for a bit
When none of your other friends are online
Or you sometimes only talk to me
When I seem happy and funny
You don’t care what the truth is
Now I don’t care either
Just want to give you what you want
From now on that’s all you’ll get
The funny happy girl when you talk to me
When you have nobody else so you use me
For a few minutes only before your day ends
Do you even care that you bring tears to my eyes
Knowing that you're using me so bad
Don’t worry I will never bother you anymore
You don’t care at all
You made your choice
I was so wrong
How much you hurt me you will never know
I hate liars and that’s what you are
I’ll stay with those who truly love me and care about me
The way I love and care about them
Not fakers like you !

THE KNIFE PRESSED AGAINST MY THROAT

The knife pressed against my throat
What if I miss it ?
What if I fail ?
I would remain here with no voice
No words would come out of my mouth anymore
Not like I speak now, anyway
Nobody would notice a difference
They never listened before so why today ?
'A quick cut and it'll all be over'
The voice in my head says
'Be strong, you know you want to do it'
I'll bleed to death on the floor
Within minutes I'll be covered in my blood
Is it right, is it wrong
Nobody will ever know

I BLEED KNOWING YOU DONT CARE

I bleed knowing you don't care
Feeling like nothing's there
Trying to forget about the internal pain
Bleeding out my anger, stress, failure and pain
The only thing I can do
Even if I don't want to
Nothing else matters
I'm shattered
You don't know why
I can never cry
I will fake you a smile
Telling you everything's alright
Don't worry: I'm fine!

THE EMPTINESS AROUND ME

Empty gaze
I stare at you
Like nothing's there
Do I even know you ?

SECRET LIFE

What you see
Isn't what I am
What I say
Is just what you want to hear
What I hide
Is everything you couldn't understand
That fake smile on my face
So you believe everything's alright
The angel face
So you believe anything I say, every lie I tell
I'm so quiet never saying a word
Because you don't care what I have to say
And wouldn't listen anyway
And you don't know it's boiling inside
Secret painful life everyday
My secrets, none of your business

TEARS IN THE RAIN

Walking in the rain
Tears upon my face
I know you can't see them
Anyway, you wouldn't even if there wasn't the rain

NOT IN CONTROL

I'm not in control
And don't want to fight
It's too hard
I can't win
Everytime I try
I fall harder
I can't do it
I'm weak
I give up

SOMEONE

Come to me
Maybe I’ll let you in
Talk to me
Be there for me
Don’t judge me
Try to understand
Ease my pain
Do something
Save me

EYES SWELLED UP WITH TEARS

Eyes swelled up with tears
Begging for release
Blade in my hand
So many things to get rid of
Through my veins the pieces fly
Secret pain
Secret shame
Ashamed of the truth
My problems drip away from me
I hide them from you
Everyday the only thing I can do
I wish you could save me from this hell

DON’T

Don’t take pills to be able to close your eyes
Don’t drink to think or worry less
Don’t use the blade everyday to numb the pain in your head
Don’t purge or refuse to eat when you’re the only one to see yourself fat
Don’t keep everything to yourself when you could have someone to share with
Don’t stay away from people because you fear the look they would give you
Don’t avoid the world
Don’t be too nice and let others use you
Don’t keep telling yourself that nobody can understand because somewhere someone can
Don’t ever think you’re alone
Don’t be ashamed of yourself, what you do
Don’t put on a fake smile
Don’t hesitate to tell someone what’s wrong
Don’t always expect the worst to happen
Don’t try to end your life because someone would miss you
Don’t feel unloved because somewhere someone loves you
Don’t give up on yourself because there’s always hope
Don’t be stupid
Don’t be me

DO YOU REMEMBER ?

Do you remember
How it was like
The very first time

Do you remember
The way you felt that first time
It went into your skin

Do you remember
How everything changed
So fast becoming someone else

Do you remember
The first time you hid
The first lie you told

Do you remember
How isolated you chose to be
To keep your secret safe

Do you see now
How much you regret
That day when it all started

THE ONLY THING TO DO

I watch you in my hand
Knowing you understand
Then I close my eyes
Thinking of new lies
Soon I feel like it burns
I need it
I seek it
The drops hit the floor
As I’m standing against the door
Then for a short moment only remains the physical pain
For a while I’m relieved of the emotional pain
I know this isn’t the solution
But it’s the only one I know

MOTHER

Trying to force me to tell her what’s wrong
I don’t want to talk
I want her to leave me alone
I fake a smile telling her I’m alright
She says I’m a bad liar
Hearing that makes me want to laugh
After everything I’ve always had to hide
And it’s been for half of my life
She always believes my lies
Tonight I guess I wasn’t good enough at hiding
But yet she won’t know anything
I’ll keep it deep inside
Like I’ve always done
Like everything else I hide
My secret life

DONT WANNA BE HERE, JUST WANNA QUIT

I don't want to stay here
I just want to disappear
God would you please help me this time
And just let me die

I AM DEAD

I'm only the shadow of myself
I don't exist anymore
I'm my ghost
So you can't see me
Hear me
Or even talk to me
Though you never did before
So why would you now ?

DONT STOP TALKING !

You start talking to me
And try to make me talk to you
And I so wish I could tell you those things, everything
All those things I keep inside
Those things I hide from you
As you're talking to me I hope you will never shut up
And I'm thinking :
"Please don't stop talking to me ! Don't leave me alone, I need you!"
So for a while I will be strong as you're there
Because I know you care
And hopefully I won't do it

EVERYONE

Whether it is now or when I was a kid
You never listened to a word I say
You made me become silent
As I always knew I wasn't important
And meant nothing to anyone
Thanks to you !

YOU CAN BE HAPPY

Now because of you all I'm an addict
Something I wish I never did
You killed me
You can be happy !

YOU NEVER CARED

You would never listen
You would never care
Now is it your fault
Or am I teh only one to blame ?

OVER THE YEARS

Over the years something else became my closest friend
And that's something you could never understand
Over the years it helped me ease some of my pain
Emotional pain gone for a too short moment physical pain to gain

TEARS

If my tears could make my pain go away
I would cry everyday
But there's no tears inside
My only tears are red and don't come from the eyes
Those tears I have to hide

MY SKIN REFLECTS MY SOUL

My skin reflects my soul
Nothing anyone could ever be told
My secret wounds I hide everyday
Show everything I can't say
All those marks that will never heal
For everything you wouldn't hear
That fake smile on my face
It's not like you care

SUFFERING IN SILENT AGONY

Suffering in silent agony
Red rivers dripping down
I wish it wasn't me
Everyday I'm falling down

NEVER TO BE REMEMBERED

Soon to be gone
Soon to be relieved
Soon to be with those I loved and lost
Never to be remembered

MY BODY SPEAKS A THOUSAND WORDS

My body speaks a thousand words
But I hope you will never know, never see
This life I hate and don't adore
But you see this is all I can be
I wish in the past I knew
I wish I could start as someone new

PROTECTION

You want to protect me
And I so wish you could
But there's something you don't know
It's myself I need protection from
Would you still be there for me if you knew ?

BLINDED BY A NEW TEAR

Blinded by a new tear
I wish you were near
You would take my hand
And try to understand

LOST

Please show me another way
Before it's too late
I'm down on my knees
Begging for release

NIGHT

Here in my bed
Like always thinking, worrying
Trying to survive those obsessing thoughts
As well as those images
Those things that hurt me so bad
The reason I can't close my eyes
And feel so bad deep inside
As the only thing I can think of
Is the thing I wish I didn't think of
What will do me good for a while
Before I feel even worse afterwards
My addiction
My death

EVERYDAY & EVERYNIGHT

Everyday and everynight
Every second of my life
Calling me
I wish I was deaf
So I wouldn't hear it
So I wouldn't have to do this

TO HELL WITH THEIR BLOODY FOOD

They forced me to eat their bloody pie
I feel so heavy inside now
I hate that feeling
I don't want to be fat
I hate the image the mirror shows me already
I can't wait to be home
To throw it up
And feel better

YOUR LIES

You wanted to make me feel better
You made me feel even worse
You wanted to help me be more confident
You took the little confidence I had
You wanted to show me love
You taught me how to hate
You wanted to give me a better life
You killed it

WE ARE BLIND

We all live in denial
Refusing to see what's wrong
We all live in lies
Refusing others hands
We all live in fear
Refusing to try to face what scares us
We all live in the dark
Refusing to open up our eyes

HAPPINESS IN SADNESS

Maybe I'm 'happy' when I'm sad
Or have a reason to get mad
So I have an excuse for my behavior which is bad

IF I WASNT ME

I close my eyes and imagine
How life would be
If I wasn't me

TENSION BUILDING UP INSIDE

Tension building up inside
Unbearable
It's been so long
At first I thought I had the control
But then I realized it was controlling me
I'm not free anymore
Hell everyday
The nightmare only grows
I'm tired of all this shit
I wish it would stop
I wish I didn't have to do this !

THE ANGEL IS DEAD

An angel with dead wings
Unable to fly
The angel stopped singing
Wishing she would reach the sky
Wanting to protect you
Always be there for you
But her wings are dead
She's tuck where she doesn't want to
Nothing more to get
The angel disappeared
The angel is dead

CANT LIVE, CANT BREATHE

I cannot live
Because I've been dead for years
I cannot breathe
Because my inside breaks

ANGEL OF DEATH

Angel of death
Queen of darkness
Master at silent pain
What a mess I've made !

LOVE

A flame burning in my heart
Because you hold me tight
A star shining in my eyes
As you look at me with a smile

THE REAL BEAUTY IS INSIDE

Your real beauty
Is what you have inside
Your personality
Who you are
And not what you look like
Anyone not interested in that
Is not worth your time

SICK OF IT ALL

I block out everyone
Put on my fake smile
So nobody would ever guess
Soon the blood pour from my veins
It's red, it hurts, it feels good
Just what I need
For clearing my head
Of those painful emotions I try to forget
Relieved for a short moment
Before it all comes back
Stronger and worse again

SITTING HERE ALONE

Sitting in my room
The blade secretly calling me
I wish I didn't hear it
I know it's wrong
But I also know I need it
I wish I never had

I HATE IT

Doing it more
Sometimes deeper, worse, than before
I hear the red droplets hit the floor
After so many years from all the scars my body's sore

BE HAPPY IT'S ME AND NOT YOU

Everytime I look at myself
I feel disgusted
I want to be different
Several times I tried
But I guess it's impossible
The only thing to do
To go through the day
You feel better because you don't know
You feel better because it's not you

A MISTAKE ONE DAY

A mistake one day
A nightmare everyday
So long in the past
I wish everyday was the last

TEARS

Tears at night
Don't know why
Or maybe I do
But I won't tell you

TRAPPED IN THIS CAGE

I wish I could get out
Of this cage I'm trapped in
Maybe one day I could shout
Escape the world I live in

IN THE DARKNESS I FALL

In the darkness I fall
Everyday less hope
Wondering if I still breathe
Maybe it was too deep

DEATH

Red droplets
Last breath
Death

AN OBJECT, MOVING

You focus on an object
And see it moving
Maybe trying to show or tell you something
Or maybe it's just abject

BIGGEST MISTAKE YOU CAN MAKE

It seemed so right
The first time
But I was so wrong
All along

PAIN

Feel the pain
Deep inside
Ease with the blade
Outside
Bleed
Then cry
Or too deep
And die

sUiCidE

Beyond despair
Once again
I chose the extreme
But sadly I woke up again
To be in even more pain

EVERYTHING ALRIGHT ?

Angry slices in my skin
Everyday the world I live in
Because of all the pain I hide
I have to fake you a smile
So you think everything's alright

SADLY, YOU EASE MY PAIN

I always know where to find you
Everytime I need you
Never hard to find
You’re the reason I have to hide

THE MORE I ...

The more I try to fight
The more I lose control
The more I have to hide
The more I feel alone

TIRED

Why can’t I
Close my eyes at night
Those thoughts and images
Have been in my head for ages
Please make them go away
Tired of dealing with it my own way

JESSE

A tear in my eyes
Because you’re not by my side
A hole in my heart
Because I miss you so bad

DO YOU LOVE ME ?

Keep me warm
When I’m cold
Find the words
When I’m down
Hug me
When I feel lonely
Talk to me
Show me that you love me

DANGER TO MYSELF

I’m a danger to myself
But don’t worry I’m no danger to you
Whatever you do I’ll never hurt you
The only one I could ever harm is myself

HURT

Those images in my head
It’s like I relive the past every second of my life
It never stops
It hurts me more everytime
Can’t sleep at night
Can think of nothing else
Dying in this hell

I SAY GOODBYE TO A WORTHLESS LIFE

I can't live with
Those thoughts in my head
And those images I see as soon as I shut my eyes
It's too hard
It's eating me inside
Too hard faking smiles all the time
And being someone I'm not online
Nothing left of me
Just those thoughts that nobody knows of
That nobody could understand
Never I will be happy
Life never smiled at me
Now I say fuck it I quit

TAKE AWAY MY PAIN

All that pain
I wish there was someone
To take it all away
But it will never happen
And I will never share
There's no need it's useless
Nobody could understand me
After all these years
Of destruction
Can't look at myself anymore
Can't face others
Just looking at the ground
Hoping nobody around me ever finds out
I could hide for 6 years
Harder everyday
Of myself I'm so ashamed
You don't know how it's like to be me
Those things I have to do everyday
You could never imagine
And the sad thing is you couldn't save me
Because I can't be saved
It's been too long
It's now too late

NOTHING BUT PAIN, ENDLESS PAIN

Blood in the rain
Tears of shame
Everyday she hides her pain
As she comforts with the blade

TO A JERK, A FUCKING BASTARD

I dont wanna cry for you
Even though you ruined everything
You said you were different
You said you would never hurt me
You knew all of me
And stupid as I am I trusted you
I gave you everything
And you ruined it all
You just used me
Lied to me and manipulated me
Much more than anyone else before
You took everything
Now I have nothing left
Thank you !
I'm glad I got rid of you
I let you love me and allowed myself to love you
For all of that I could never forgive myself
I'll hate myself until my dying day !

SECRETS

A smile
To hide
What lies inside

Sunglasses
So you don't see
Those tears in my eyes

A silence
A fake smile
As well as laughs
So you think I'm happy
And that nothing's wrong
And that's what I want

WEARING A MASK TO HIDE WHAT'S INSIDE

A mask on my face
So you can't see my pain
Try looking through the rain
Nothing you could face

BLEEDING BECAUSE OF YOU

Sad and upset at night
In my bed I can't sleep
Red tears falling on the sheets
Hurt inside and outside
Once more at night
Again more things to hide
Because of you this time !

SO FRAGILE

I'm so fragile
My heart says 'Please don't hurt me!'
I've been hurt so much
I couldn't take it once moe !

WHATEVER

Far from doing well
Those things I hide
Are eating me inside
Yet I'm still hiding in my shell

I LOVE YOU

When I close my eyes
All I see is you
When I dream at night
I'm always with you
When I feel cold
I want to be warmed up by you
When I'm sad
To smile again I just have to think of you
When you kiss me
I feel alive because it's you
When you're near me
I feel happy thanks to you
When my heart beats so fast
It's only for you
When I look in the future
All I see is you !

... I LOVE YOU AND I MISS YOU !!!

GONE

Didn't close my eyes at all
Been crying all night
When he's happy to go back there
Leaving me alone here
Does he even care ?
If he really loved me like he pretends to he'd be back soon
Or maybe he won't ever come back
Then I'll know I was the stupid one
For believing in his love

ABANDONED

Empty inside
Everything left behind
No tears left to cry
Everything dead inside
Red tears again I have to hide
You're leaving for months and I want to die

LOVING YOU SO MUCH HURTS ! AND YOU DONT KNOW !

You say you love me so much
And yet you want to go far from me
Everyday the situation hurts me more
But I try hard not to show you
And let you decide what makes you happy
Even if it means I have to cry more tears
Maybe I'm just selfish for wanting to keep you near me
For loving you so much
When the happy thought I have everyday
Is thinking about the next time I'll be in your arms
Hoping you think about the same thing
And you know my love is real
I've given you what was the most important to me
Including my heart
Beating for no one else but you
I'm so hurt and I don't tell you
My tears won't stop
There's never enough
Then you think I'm mad and you just go away or ignore me
And it hurts me even more when I'm already so sad !
Now I'm going to bed with red eyes
Knowing that I won't have a message from you when I get up
Knowing that you don't know any of this
Knowing that I will be sad again
Wondering what you really feel

IT'S YOU I NEED

I don't want to bleed
Right now it's you I need
But like always you're not there
I guess you don't care

I THOUGHT YOU WERE DIFFERENT

We used to talk for hours everyday
You always said we could share everything about our lives
You would always be there and make me feel better
It felt good to finally have someone
It's different now you don't care
And it hurs me a lot
But again you won't know
And I thought you were different !

WHEN EVEN A BEST FRIEND, A BROTHER, STOP TO CARE

I try to talk to you
But you don't care
I've always considered you a best friend, a big brother
But now it's like you're not there for me anymore
I don't know what I did
But this is how it is
Time for others
But not for me
It's been hurting me for months
But what can I do anyway ?
If you don't want me in your life I won't stay
Just be honest and tell me

DYING ON HER OWN

Smiling in public
Bleeding when alone
Dying on her own

BLOOD DOWN THE VEINS

Blood down the veins
Blood shows the pain
Tears like in the rain
Tears of shame

WHEN I TELL YOU TO LEAVE ME ALONE

When I tell you to leave me alone
It's when I need you the most
When I tell you to go away
It's so you can't see me ruining my life everyday

EVERYTHING BAD EVERYTHING BLACK

Everything bad
Everything black
I can have the control of nothing
I can never decide a single thing
Sick of living
Everything red
Everything dead
The tears are red and I can't control
Me I'm dead, everyday I fall
What's my goal?

THAT KEY IS HARD TO GET

I live in my own little world
World of pain
World of red rain
If you want to enter you need to find the key
That key is hard to get
You have to do your best

HE SEES HEAVEN IN ME

He looks at me like nobody else
Like he's trying to understand
He sees heaven in me
I wonder if I should worry

I TRY TO BREATHE BUT NO AIR COMES IN

I try to breathe
But no air comes in
I don't know what's happening
It hurts
I'm scared, I suffocate
Someone please help me breathe

THE BIGGEST LIE SOMEONE CAN TELL ABOUT LIFE

Life's a dream
To live fully
With eyes wide open

THE WIND IS HOWLING WITH RAGE

The wind is howling with rage
Not a good sign
Something bad about to happen
I can feel it
I know it

IF THAT DAY I KNEW WHAT I KNOW TODAY !

If 6 years ago I knew what I know today
I wouldn't have done that
I wouldn't have been that stupid
To think it was the way
The solution
To feel less bad
To ease the pain
That day I will always regret
That day caused my end, my death
That day is now everyday
There's nothing to do
Nobody to talk to
Nobody to listen
Nobody to talk to me
Just me and it
A growing nightmare
Torture everyday
I'm not worthy
I'll never make it
Nothing but waiting for the ultimate release

WHAT I AM

What I am is everything you can't understand
What I do is everything you could never think of
What I don't say is everything you wouldn't want to hear
What I fake is a happiness you think is real
What I hide is everything I wish wasn't real or didn't happen
What I pretend is a nightmare being a dream
What I regret is that what's done is done, can't be undone, and I can't be 14 again to take another way

ASHAMED OF BEING ME

Ashamed of everything
Of who, what, I am
What I do
Hiding behind a mask
Staying alone in the dark

A LOST CAUSE YOU WONT MISS

A lost cause you can't help
A lost cause you can't understand
A lost cause you can't save
A lost cause you can't avoid the grave
A lost cause you won't miss !

I SEE THEM BUT DO THEY SEE ME ?

All those things moving around me
I wonder if they will ever stop
Scarier everyday
I see them
But do they see me ?

BLACK SHADOWS ALL AROUND ME

Black shadows all around me
It's very scary
Will they try to reach me
Grab me to take me with them
Or just scare me
Will they go away if I close my eyes ?

MIDNIGHT LOVER

Your lips find mine in the night
It's dark but with you I never feel lost
You show me everything is bright

I CLOSE MY EYES SO I CAN BE WITH YOU

I close my eyes so I can be with you
Being in your arms as you hold me
Telling me how much you love me
As I kiss you

ALWAYS ON YOUR OWN WHEN YOU FALL

You're always on your own
When you fall
People are far away
Why would they care anyway ?!

WHAT YOU DONT KNOW CANT HURT YOU

I tell you I feel great
And you smile
But you don't know what I did to feel that way
What I had to do even if I didn't want to
You wouldn't like to know
Not something you want to hear
You couldn't understand
The less you know the better
What you don't know can't hurt you

I WONT BE COMING BACK

You touch my face
Smile
You hold me tight
You kiss me
And say see you tonight
As I smile
You think everything's alright
But you don't realize
That I won't be coming back
Yes tonight I'll die !

A LIE TO HIDE WHAT LIES DEEP INSIDE

Telling you I'm fine
Even if it's a lie
Truth or lie
You will never find
A lie to hide
What lies deep inside

I WISH I DIDNT BREATHE

I wish I didn't breathe
So it wouldn't be painful
I wish I was blind
Because all I see is dark
I wish I didn't feel
So nothing, no pain, would be real
I wish I was dead
So I would be free

EVERYTIME I SAY I'M FINE

Everytime I say I'm fine
You can be sure it's a lie
Everytime you look into my eyes
You can't see all those things I hide and keep inside
Everytime I tell you that everything's alright
You don't know how bad I want to die

THE SKY IS BLEEDING

The sky is red
Like it's bleeding
Or crying
Maybe to show its pain
It also looks like it's on fire
Because it's been hurt
So tonight the sky is bleeding
And crying red tears
And I can't stop starring

WE'RE ALL IN PAIN

The sky is bleeding
Red tears fall on everybody's face
Because we're all in pain
There's no need to deny it

FACES EVERYWHERE

Faces everywhere
People always stare
I don't know why they look at me
For sure it's not cause I'm pretty
Hope they're not trying to see through me

DONT LOOK AT ME WITH YOUR BLOODY EYES

Don't look at me with your bloody eyes
Shut up if all you can say is lies
Don't get in touch with me
If your only intention is to hurt me

YOU ALWAYS IN MY HEART

Thinking of you wherever you are
Your arms always around me tight
Your lips never far from mine
You always in my heart

YOU KILLED ME

My eyes are red
From all the tears I keep inside
My skin is ruined
From everything you've said, haven't said, done or haven't done
My heart stopped beating
Because you killed me

I CONFIDE IN SADNESS AND PAIN

I confide in sadness and pain
Because that's all I know
Everything I've ever had
And everything I'll ever get

YOU LEAVE AND THEY SMILE

Everything left behind
Forever you leave and they smile
Don't turn back
Don't wave 'goodbye'
You leave and they smile
And that's no lie

NOBODY TO SHOW ME THE WAY

I go my own way
Nobody to lighten or show me the way

SILENCE YOU CANT ARGUE WITH

People ignore everything I say
Friends don't pay attention
Best friends don't try to enter when the door is locked
And don't hear or look behind the silences
Being silent is the best
Because silence you can't argue with
It's a powerful weapon

GOD MADE A MISTAKE

I wasn't supposed to be alive
But die when I was born
God just made a mistake
And he better fix it now !

PEOPLE NEVER REMEMBER

People never remember what's important about you
What's going on in your life
Because they don't care
Only about their life
Why be around them?

A SMILE ON MY FACE

A smile on my face
Of course it's fake

A tear in my eye
Getting ready to lie

A drop of blood on my skin
Something bad but needed for living

JUST AN OBSERVER

Just an observer
Of the outside world
Not a part of it
What's there to seek ?

FRIENDS LIE, THEY DONT CARE !

Friends lie
They pretend to care
But they don't
Last time you asked me how I was doing
Stupid as I am without thinking I told you the truth
And you didn't even care
And just said you had to go
Thanks for hurting me
I know I mean nothing to you at all
I hate you all
I thought we were close but I was wrong
Some always say they want to meet me
But it's nothing but lies
When they're trying to be nice
Others want to enter my world to get to know the real me
Again it's a big mistake when I try to let them enter
I thought I had some real friends
But now I wonder what that word friends means
And now I'm the stupid one with those tears in my eyes
Because you all hurt me so bad
But I never tell you
And why would you care anyway
Like the others you make me bleed
But that you'll never know
I thought I had some real friends
But the truth is I'm all alone
From now on I'll never tell you the truth about how I feel
So don't expect me to be honest with you ever again !

PLEASE TAKE THAT BLADE

Please take that blade
Before once again I reach my veins
Tell me it can all be alright
If only you were here by my side !

CRYING IN THE RAIN

As it rains
I look out the window
And see this girl crying
As her eyes are focused on the ground
Nobody sees that she cries
Because of the rain
But then how come I can see ?
I wonder as she's coming closer
She's coming my way
With her eyes still on the ground
Then I don't see her anymore
As I feel a warm drop fall down my cheeks
Then I look up and realize
I'm walking in the train
The girl I had seen had been me all along

SHE COULDN'T LET HIM KNOW THE TRUTH

What's wrong today he asked
Nothing she answered
Before he saw a tear fall from her eye
He nicely wiped it away as once again he asked
What's wrong today ? please tell me
She didn't dare look in his eyes
As once again she lied
Saying everything was alright
She was fine
Then why do you cry he asked
She didn't know what to answer
But she knew she had to lie
Because she just couldn't let him know the truth

THE BODY IS LIKE A TOOL

The body is like a tool
Something sadly you sometimes have to ruin
Until someone shows your another way
To not scare yourself everyday

FOOD IS GROSS

Too much food on my plate tonight
They think they can force me
Well, the truth is I have no choice
But they can't force me to keep the food inside
It feels so good to throw up
Get rid of all that gross food
I force myself as I make myself throw up
And I know it's bad
But damn it's my right to do that
I'd rather not eat though
As I hate food
But with them around I got no choice
So then I get rid of all that food
As I'm throwing up
And free myself from that gross food
And I just wish
I wasn't as fat as the mirror shows me !
And don't say it's in my fucking head
I know what I see
You just don't see what I see

GUYS ARE ALL LIARS

Guys are all liars
Once trust was lost it has to be rebuilt
They sound nice with their words
But are cold inside
Don't believe what they say
And care about nothing but them
They always lie to you and betray you
Whatever they do they always hurt you

BLOOD JUST HAVE TO FALL

Life's wonderful
Now leave me all alone
Blood just have to fall

I SHOW NOBODY THE REAL ME

I show nobody the real me
Not even you
Even if you think I do !
And when I'm not carefull enough
And let the real me talk for a bit
I regret it right away
As you can't understand me
And say I'm stupid
Which only makes me feel even worse

I NEVER GET WHAT I WANT

I never get what I want
That's why I have no hope
And never make a wish

THAT'S WHY I LOVE YOU

People look at me
But don't see me
You're different, you do
And that's why I love you

A FRIEND, AN ANGEL

A friend, an angel
Sent to me from heaven
Always there
Anytime, anywhere
To listen, advice and help
Always trying to understand
In you I found a real friend !

LIKE ALWAYS I NEED IT TONIGHT

Nothing special happened tonight
But yet right now in my bed
I need it so bad
I need to do it
I need that feeling of pain
I need that blood to run out of me
That blood, all the bad in me
But why ?
Why now ?
What the hell is going on ?
I don't get it
And know I never will
Maybe because of all those overwhelming feelings and emotions
I hide deep inside and nobody knows
Everyday a bit more
Or maybe the stress I can't take
All those thoughts and worries
I share with nobody
You just have no idea
It's much worse than you could ever think of
So much you will never know
You don't want to hear about it anyway
You think that things can heal
But it's so wrong
Not after so long
You'd want me to talk about all of it
But there's nobody and I wouldn't know what to say anyway
It would take hours, days, just to try to see where does that failure come from
It would only make me weaker
But again you don't think like me
You never do
I don't know about tonight
All I know is I need it
And I don't know why
And that makes me sick !
Maybe I just need to punish myself
Those questions will never be answered
Does it really matter anyway ?

DO YOU HEAR THAT VOICE ?

Do you hear that voice around your ear ?
Whispering you something you can barely hear
What is it, who can it be ?
Listen closely and maybe one day you will see

WHAT'S WRONG TODAY YOU ASK

What's wrong today
You ask
Nothing I say
So fast
You look at me with your questionning eyes
I look at you with a fake smile

WHEN EVERYTHING'S HELL

When everything's hell
Nothing could be worse
You lay down and close your eyes
Hoping you won't ever see the light again

YOU PUT YOUR ARMS ON MY SHOULDERS

You put your arm on my shoulder
Like a father you want to protect me
But yet you know nothing about the real me
And what lies deep inside, everyday deeper

SITTING HERE

Sitting here
Nothing here
Alone
I fall

BEHIND THOSE EYES

Behind those eyes
Everything I hide
Those lies
Everything I don't say
I smile

PEOPLE SCARE ME

People scare me
All the time trying to talk to me
Even online their words scare me
And why do they look at me ?
And you, stop trying to see through me
You don't wanna know what you can't see
Nobody gets to know the real me
That bad person you can't see
I know so trust me

SO LONG

So long, bleeding
Day after day
Year after year
Everyday dying

I DONT HAVE A LIFE

I don't have a life
That's why I feel dead inside
I have the control of nothing
Not even how much I'm bleeding

I LOSE IT ALL

I lose it all
And you watch me as I fall
You do nothing
Not even caring
Watching me dying

THE BLOOD IS WHAT KEEPS YOU ALIVE

The blood is everything you have
The blood is life
What keeps you alive
Then loose it all
And smile as you fall

NO TEARS LEFT

No tears left
But still that sadness
Being broken for so long
Impossible to go on

WHY CANT SHE DIE ?

I wish she was dead
But like always
My prayers won't be answered
So I have to listen to that crap everyday
Let her control me
My thoughts, my 'life'
Everything
People would think I exagerate
You're so far from the truth
She's destroyed me so much psychologically
For so many years
That I wonder if in the end
There'll be anything left of me

THAT THOUGHT FOLLOWS YOU ALL DAY

You don't even want to wake up
To "live" the same nightmare
It's been so many years
It's never become better, only worse
Everyday you wake up wanting to kill yourself
And be relieved from everything you hide
And that thought follows you all day

ONE NIGHT

29 new scars just tonight
It's funny how it can happen so fast
So much just in one night
I guess you could say you had a blast
You know it's not the last time
And deep inside you cry

NOT GONNA TALK TO U DEAR FRIENDS FOR A WHILE!

I'm not gonna talk to anyone for a while
Maybe never again
Even those I care about
And care about me
Don't have time for me
You know nothing
And for sure now you never will
I'm nothing but a burden anyway
I wonder why I bother
They'll never love me for me
But just for that false image they have of me
They're full of broken promisses
Words they don't mean
Lies they tell me to make me feel alright
Like when I tell you I'm fine

WHY DO I BOTHER WRITING...

Why do I bother writing stories
That nobody will read
Or poetry that makes no sense
It's not talent like a few said
Without even meaning it
It's just stupid words on a paper
You can easily get lost in my writing
Wondering what's real
What did I make up ?
Is it me or someone else ?
Am I the person I talk about ?
Or am I just the writer ?
Why do I write ?
Does it change something in some way ?
Of course not
It just makes me focus on all that crap even more
It's like the less you try to think about something
The more you actually think of it
Nothing will ever change
That torture will never leave

http://www.fanfiction.net/~marylinedepp

HIDING BEHIND A TREE

Hiding behind a tree
You won't see me
It's a safe place
Far from your gaze

THIS IS MY ONLY WISH

This is my only wish
I don't wanna be here anymore
Why can't you hear me
And let me die ?!

I WISH I WAS NEVER BORN

I wish I was never born
I wouldn't have known any of this shit
And it wouldn't make such a difference anyway
Nobody cares
Nobody loves me
Unless they want something from me

SAME THING EVERYDAY

Feeling so sad I want to cry
Red tears have to fall once again
Everything will be left behind
For only a few minutes of relief
I have no choice anyway
Same thing everyday

I WONDER WHY I EVEN BOTHER

I wonder why I even bother
Trying to be a 'good girl'
Doing all her damn work
When all she can do is yell and complain
She's never satisfied anyway
I'm good at nothing
I'm fed up with all of that
I can't take this anymore !

SITTING ALONE

Sitting alone
Mind wandering
What is your goal
Everyday thinking

U WONT MISS ME I KNOW I'M RIGHT

I wanna die
I mean nothing in this fucking life
So hurt deep inside
Invisible to everyone
I want to kill myself tonight
You won't miss me I know I'm right

THOSE THOUGHTS IN MY HEAD

I wish those thoughts in my head
Would just go away
I want an empty mind
Think or worry about nothing
Not being me but someone different, someone new