THE VERY FIRST ONE

7 years have passed
Since that very first time
I turned to the blade
Trying to ease my pain
Feeling like it was the only way
Letting the pain out
As you discovered my skin for the first time
And I made a first scar
The very first one
I wish it was the only time
What I felt that day I will never forget
Of course it hurt
And the blood followed
It hurt but yet it felt good
I thought I had lost my mind
Wondering what had happened
What I had done
Never thinking that from that day I'll be different
Everything would be
But I felt better, relieved
For sure now I wish I never did that
Because soon you, dear blade, and I became so close friends
We're like one
Everyday I know where to find you
But I wish I didn't have to
Tired of hiding
Fearing that someone around me would find out
My secret life
Why I don't talk, get mad or cry
But always put on the fake smile on my face
Appearing so calm when it's burning and boiling inside
How I secretly deal with things my own way
As I use you, sweet blade, everyday
Not because I want to but because I have to
You got me addicted to you
It's the only way
Only you will listen to me
And understand me
You care about me
And can relieve some of my pain, anger and stress...
Things that no one else could do
Anyway they don't care
Nobody else is there
I'm ashamed of the way you made me
That mess in my head and body
Everyday you kill me
As you control me
That first time I was only 16
I had all my life to live
Now everything's gone
As I have nothing left
Dying without you
Dying with you