THE WAY TO FEEL

I look at it
In my right hand
It’s bright
It’s cold
It’s beautiful
I approach it to my body
Closer to my skin
Looking at it
With some kind of love and hate
Love cause it’ll help me feel less bad, relieved
Hate cause it’s not gonna last for long
And will leave another new mark on my skin
As the others they can’t be seen
As always I’ll have to hide, lie and pretend
Avoid some questions
Doctors and anybody who could notice
But anyways I can hide pretty well I guess
As nobody never noticed anything before
And it’s been ages
Tears in my eyes
I keep looking at it
Smiling cause I know that soon I’ll feel a bit better
Thanks to it
As I look elsewhere I feel it entering my skin
I close my eyes
It hurts
I like
It’s good
The feeling is unique
I need it
I keep doing it for a while
Until I feel that new pain
Until I feel relieved
Until the rage, anger, sadness… disappear
Then I see the blood
Running out of my veins
Nothing else matters
I feel better
I breathe calmly
I’m quiet
I close my eyes again
I smile
I bleed knowing you don’t care
I don’t think of anything anymore
Before I have to do it again
In one hour, two hours, tomorrow
Who knows ?