DISTURBED

I got up this morning
Thinking
Thinking about life
My life
How it became like this
Why I made it that way
Why I can’t be like everybody else
Then
I try not to think for a while
Like always it’s impossible
I wish I could not think
No think about it
About doing it
About how it feels
About how much I want to do it
How much I need it
I pray to have a peaceful day
With nothing that would lead me to do it
It’s hard
I know it’s wrong
But yet I have to do it
I try to stop
Everyday
But I can’t
Or sometimes for a few days
But it’s painful
My only thought
It’s been too long
Now it’s too late
I’m a lost cause
It’s sometimes dangerous I know
It’s my secret
Nobody has to know
They can’t know
My family, my (online) friends
They wouldn’t understand
They would just send me away
I hide
I hide, lie and pretend everyday
I act like everything’s alright
Nothing’s wrong
Alright in my way
I pretend to be what others want me to be
What they like
At first, years ago, it was hard
Now it’s easy and natural
They like me that way
They say I’m funny
And sound happy
They’re all wrong
But I don’t care
They don’t notice it’s fake
My smiles, my laughs, my positive thoughts…
They see what they want to see
They hear what they want to hear
I tell them what they want to hear
It’s easy
Again they don’t notice
They don’t care
I can fool everybody
Sad, isn’t it ?
And it’s like that everyday
I’m not proud of myself
What I am
What I do
How I behave everyday
But it’s a necessity
When I tell online friends
They sometimes go away
Only true friends remain
They try to understand
They even want to help
At least they try
But they say I don’t really listen
They make me talk about it
Asking how it is
How I feel before, while and after
Why, how, when, what for, where… ?
They show a real interest
About that I answer honestly
They don’t judge
They don’t say I’m crazy or sick
They say their opinion about me is still the same as the first day we chatted
True friends like that are hard to find
Now when I meet someone new
I just shut up
Unless they can see through me
This never happens
If one would suspect anything
I think I’d try to be real
If I was sure not to lose them
I avoid some questions
Or just don’t say much about me
Unless you ask me something
Some people do notice but don’t say it
Others don’t
They just don’t care
Nobody cares
Sometimes I think
That they’re blind
But it’s better that way
I’m a screw up
And I know it
If I could change
I swear I would
Because I have to stop
Before someone notices
But deep inside
I know it’s all a lie
After so long
It’s too late
I’m a lost cause
It’ll never change
Or maybe one day
A new friend
Would know what to say
What to do
Show me they really care
But I doubt it
Unless they’ve been through that
At least after so long
I’m ready and willing to listen
But can’t promise I’ll follow
What they tell me to do
I like to believe that I’m ok
Everything’s ok and I’m fine
Fine and perfect in that fucked up way !