WHEN I OPEN MY EYES

I know I used to deny everything
To pretend to be as fine as I could be
But I was lying not only to my friends
But also to myself

If you knew how many times I told myself
That I could be better than this
Better than this shit
And quit all that crap that’s become my life

I’m really scared
Scared of discovering myself
Scared of facing this horrible truth
Scared of me

There’s a time for everything
A time to deny
A time to lie
A time to change and get better

I feel like I’ve been taking the wrong decisions forever
Now it’s too late to turn back
I just have to live with it
In this hell that I made

I wish I was a fighter
I wish I was stronger
I wish I wasn’t that lost
I wish life wasn’t that painful

I never try to arrange things
I just wait for them to get better by themselves
Of course it never happens
And after so many years I doubt it’s about to change now

I do believe that my destiny’s already written
And there’s nothing to change what’s supposed to happen
What’s been done is done
It’s too late to change that now

As a friend recently told me
Acting the way I do won’t solve any problems
But will only make things worse
The problems are still there at the end

Every day I’m crying on my fate
I live in my own world
And let nobody enter it
I’m stuck in it and can’t get out

After so long I finally opened my eyes
To face the truth and realize that I’m not fine
I was lying to myself, there’s something wrong with me
I wish I could wake up from this nightmare

Every morning I pray
To have a nice day
To be cool, calm, just chillin’
That nothing will lead me to do it again

I know that saying and acting is different
But if I could change I swear I would
I tried once and I succeeded for a little bit
Then everything went wrong again

I found myself lying to everyone again
People who care about me
People who were trying to help
And like always I just wouldn’t let them try

If only you could see my life through my eyes
Maybe you’d understand and fix what’s wrong
Give me what I lost back
My confidence, my hopes, my faith…

Every day I tell myself ‘Not today’
And at the end I say ‘Well only once, it can’t hurt, it can’t be that bad’
But it’s never just once
It’s the only release that I know, a feeling I need

I know this might sound crazy
But imagine there’s something hurting you
And you know that you have to power to ease it for a little while
So what do you do ? You just let it out any way you can

Every day I hide and lie
And the worse is that it’s become easy, natural
It’s my second nature and I lie without even thinking
Everybody believes everything I say

Most of the time I even believe my own lies
I tell myself that everything’s alright
That I’m doing nothing wrong
That it’s just normal

You could see me walking down the streets
Or just making some shopping or watching tv
And even talk to me and never suspect anything
I don’t blame you for not seeing I’m not alright

Why don’t I open up to people ?
Because I’m ashamed of myself and don’t want to bother others
I prefer to stay alone because the only one I can bother is me
I know I’m always searching for excuses

When there’s something wrong
People scream, break things, get into fights…
While I keep everything to myself
Until it’s too hard and I need to let it out

People say Why didn’t you tell me you were sad or angry
But what I am supposed to say ?
For me it’s so stupid that I don’t tell my friends
I just sit alone and cry while everybody thinks that everything’s alright

I’m not blaming others for my mistakes
Because I’m the guilty one
Now I feel like I’m stuck and I can’t breathe
And that nothing will ever change