AGAIN

Not doing it for a few days
Seemed like a lifetime
Trying hard to stop again
I wonder how I did survive
Then suddenly it’s too hard
The urge is there and I can’t fight
No matter how hard I try
I try to focus on something else
But I just can’t
I feel like I can’t breathe
Soon I start shaking a bit
Some kind of withdrawal I guess
Hoping there was someone I could talk to
But there’s nobody
They’re all sleeping or at school
Due to the time difference
It’s hurting me deep inside
More than you could ever imagine
Nobody to take it from my hands
Nobody to try to understand
Just a little cut
At least that’s what I thought
It turned out to be 5 or 6
Blood running everywhere
Waiting for the pain
Just to feel a bit better
For a too short moment
Before I have to do it again
Because no matter how hard I try
It’s just too hard to stop
But I keep on trying
Because I can’t live this hell
I’ve been living in for years
But this time was different
I was far from thinking of that
This time I went too far
Way too deep
Maybe I hit some bad place
I don’t need some nerve damage
I wouldn’t stop bleeding
Don’t know what happened
When I came back online I found a friend
As always I couldn’t be honest with him
But then I told him everything
He told me how to stop the blood
He wanted me to call an ambulance
But that I could never do
Cause I’d rather die
Than having someone finding out the truth about me