Destructive Behavior

I AM BAD

2009-07-28T17:10:00.002+02:00

All of me is bad
Everything is black
Rage and sadness are red
An addiction I wish I never had
Darker everyday
Wishing not to see another day

CRYING RED TEARS

2009-07-28T17:07:00.002+02:00

Crying red tears
Yet smiling to my ears
Because I don't want you to see
What is really me

YOU BLEW IT ALL

2009-04-30T20:46:00.005+02:00

There is no turning back
When everything is black
Why did you do it again?
Wishing this time would be the end
Pain travels all over your body
Now do you feel so happy?
No chance to recover
Things will never get better

NOW DO I SEEM SO HAPPY

2008-12-10T14:31:00.000+01:00

Open up your eyes
But don't you see the scars
10, 1000, 100000...
Too much to count
Always new ones
But you will never know never see
What is really me
Those everyday I hide
As I can't see the light
And I'm drowning deeper
Everyday in my own blood
Creating my own grave
Yet trying to please you all
Be what you want me to be
Say what you want me to say
What you want to hear
You live knowing a lie
Because I am nothing real
Everything I say is made up
So you think I'm happy
And smiling I go away
Lock myself up in my private place
Where it's just me and the blade
Then I will tell you with a big smile
How a great day it is
As I'm hoping that the pain in my head will die
Before the next time...
Open up your eyes
Yes it's me I hide

UGLY EMPTY BODY

2008-12-10T14:28:00.000+01:00

My skin is ugly
And me I'm empty
Everyday so angry
I love you you hate me
I hate my mind and body
Nothing good about me
Bleeding because you make me
People I love always leave me
The only one to blame is me

SAVE ME FROM ME

2008-10-06T17:07:00.000+02:00

She suffers so much yet she won't tell
Hiding, she is so ashamed of herself
Everyday living the same hell
Wishing someone could save her from herself

BLEEDING ALWAYS

2008-10-03T23:37:00.001+02:00

Sitting here bleeding
Feeling my skin burning
As myself I'm cutting scratching bruising and hitting
Enjoying the feeling
Feeling the pain in my head dying
As on the pain on the outside I'm focusing
Finally breathing
Living or dying ?

Everyday the same
The blade, the same nightmare
Of myself I'm so ashamed
Wishing I was in my grave

ANOTHER BAD DAY... NOT OVER YET !

2008-10-03T23:36:00.000+02:00

Slicing myself into pieces
Nothing else could feel like this
That pain I need it
Hate doing it
Dying inside
Bleeding outside
Everyday the blade on my skin
A battle I can never win
I wish I was dead
I wish I could rest

THAT HELL WILL NEVER STOP

2008-09-07T23:51:00.001+02:00

I can't cry
I can only bleed
I got no tears
The blade always near
Don't be sorry
Don't hate me
For the lies I tell
And the fake smiles
Fake stories to show happiness
I hate myself more everyday
No more hope
The blade my only friend
I'm bad, I'm nothing
I don't deserve any better
A useless worthless bad mess
I hide as I bleed
Too ashamed of myself
To say that
Maybe it's you I need

YOU DON'T KNOW A THING

2008-08-28T19:52:00.000+02:00

Wearing a mask
Always smiling
So hurt inside
Can barely breathe
And hard to sleep
Living in hell
Something you could never understand

Always there
My secret nightmare
Worse than dying
Relief is just
A cut away
Killing the monster inside me
Bleeding outside
Hurting and healing
Or just murdering

That pain neverending
Scars everywhere
Nobody can ever see
Nobody can ever know
Ashamed of myself
Hiding far away
In my safe place
Lying to everyone
Being another person
Someone I've built over the years
To hide everything inside

You don't know me
What I feel deep inside
How I wish to die
Not that I've never tried
But I'll keep smiling
And be the nice person I show others
It doesn't matter
As long as nobody else suffers
I deserve it all
Nobody else does

I'm bad
I'm a lost cause
Suffering and hiding
Yet everyday I'm smiling
Inside I'm dying

DONT WORRY

2008-08-28T19:47:00.000+02:00

Everyday I'm telling you I'm alright
And making up happy stories so you think I have a life
Not thinking that maybe something isn't right
That everyday the blade controls my life

SOMEONE MAKE IT STOP !

2008-08-20T01:59:00.001+02:00

Deeper and deeper the blade goes
Watching as the blood flows
That relief I need
Everyday I bleed
Blade to skin everyday
I wish there was another way!

S U I C I D E

2008-08-17T18:00:00.000+02:00

Many times I've tried
Not to see the light
But always woke up
Knowing I screwed up

DEAD ALREADY

2008-08-16T12:36:00.000+02:00

Secret Wounds To Hide The Pain
Secret Wounds To Hide The Shame
Nobody To Save Me
I'm Dead Already

SECRET WOUNDS SECRET BLADE

2008-08-15T23:26:00.001+02:00

I'm only the shadow of myself
Forgot to count how many lies I tell
To protect them all from myself
Ashamed of who I am
Protecting everyone from that hell
Everyday I hide myself
Not showing my true self
Hiding that I live in hell
As everyday I'm destroying myself

SILENT SCREAM HIDDEN PAIN

2008-08-07T20:47:00.000+02:00

Silent scream
Hidden pain
Not a dream
Bloody rain

Forgotten tears
Unheard screams
Crying invisible tears
Screaming silent screams

Secret shame

SAVE ME FROM... ME

2008-07-31T00:10:00.000+02:00

Come and save me
Free my head and body
If you even care about me
No I know there is nobody
Another day like this will kill me
Or maybe I'm dead already
Asking you silently
To come and save me

ALWAYS THERE FOR ME, HUSH DONT TELL ANYBODY

2008-07-31T00:01:00.001+02:00

Crashed on my skin
On my free will?
Further inside
Again and again
You can't stop at one
It goes so fast
Following you with my eyes
Or maybe trying to forget
What you're doing
I see you
Or maybe you see me
You hurt me
It feels good
I can breathe again
I'm bleeding
Once again
You gave me that relief
For how long?
Shy, looking away
Again you leave me ashamed
When the next time?
Go back and hide in your secret place
Till the next time...

SECRET FRIEND

2008-07-26T02:01:00.000+02:00

You take it
Because you want it
Because you need it
Truth is you can't live without it

You try hard to fight
But you can't win this war
Darkness replaced the light
So much has been lost so far

The pain
Your shame
Red in the rain
Nothing will ever be the same

The cold bite
The red shining through the night
Yes you see me smile
Don't worry I'm fine

I HIDE

2008-07-26T01:49:00.000+02:00

Screaming into the darkness of my life
Keeping everyone away inside myself I hide
Knowing that it will never be fine
On my face nothing but that fake smile

NEVER WILL I BE HAPPY

2008-06-10T11:27:00.000+02:00

It's white, it's red, it's me
Scars all over my body
Dead already
Never will I be happy

DEEP INSIDE

2008-06-10T11:26:00.000+02:00

Deep Inside
I die
As outside
I smile

TO NUMB THE PAIN

2008-05-03T14:46:00.000+02:00

All those red lines
Tell you where the blade's been
Behind every scar
Hides a secret pain, secret rage
Some are white, new ones are red
Are they even as big as the pain in my head ?
So many secrets hiding beneath my skin
What words can't describe
The blade my friend
And secret shame

HOLDING IT ALL INSIDE

2008-05-03T14:43:00.000+02:00

You don't know what I'm feeling
As I hold it all inside
You think I'm happily daydreaming
When I really wish to die
You don't know what I'm doing
When I go to the bathroom and hide
You don't know that everyday I'm bleeding
As I'm feeling so bad inside
You don't know I'm dying
As I tell you I'm fine with a big smile

24 YEARS OF SUFFERING

2008-05-03T14:41:00.000+02:00

24 years of suffering
Seems like it's neverending
No more breathing
As I'm bleeding
Myself I am murdering
And I've kept hiding
As I'm dying

PAIN IS WHAT YOU NEED

2008-03-19T22:33:00.000+01:00

It feels good
To be hurt
That ugly skin
Sliced into pieces
Everyday the same nightmare
When I lose control
When it's too hard
And I smile to the world
As I hide that painful secret
Nothing but shame and fear
If someone was to find out
That can never happen
I don't want to be a burden

SWEET PAIN, SWEET RELIEF

2008-01-06T22:43:00.000+01:00

When pain is your best friend
The only one to understand
How you hurt, how you suffer
So much pain and anger
Everyday drowning deeper in your sea of blood
Always wishing it would all stop
You hide, so ashamed
It's just you and the blade

IT'S KILLING ME

2008-01-06T22:42:00.000+01:00

Writing
Is hiding
A suffering
That's killing

NOT WANTING TO BELIEVE MY OWN WORDS

2008-01-06T22:35:00.000+01:00

My poetry
Is my life
But yet I will lie about it
So don't ask for the truth
You won't like it
Facing it is too hard
Writing is okay
Then believing it's all just a lie
I don't want your pity
I don't want you to be sorry for me
So just stick to the lies I tell
Before I die and go to hell

LYING TO MAKE EVERYTHING ALRIGHT

2007-12-21T08:43:00.000+01:00

Everyday I lie and hide
Knowing that it's never gonna be alright
Watch me as I die

HIDING SUCH A SUFFERING, DEALING WITH A KNIFE

2007-12-09T20:14:00.000+01:00

Closing my eyes
Finding relief in a knife
Those tears I hide
They're kept inside
As the pain, the rage so alive
Runs down my skin with the knife
Everything left behind
At least for a little while
Relieved and ashamed, I hide
Oh, my precious knife !

THOSE FEW MINUTES OF RELIEF

2007-10-25T23:26:00.000+02:00

I feel it running down my skin
Leaving a red mark everywhere it goes
The rage and the bad in me slowly leaving my ugly body
Letting place to a peaceful feeling
Inner calm
Nothing else matters
Relieved
Not for long
Before the feeling comes back
Stronger
It never ends

LOST IN A NON-UNDERSTANDABLE MESS

2007-10-25T23:25:00.000+02:00

Lost in a non-understandable mess
Drowning more everyday
Wondering if the end is near
How much longer do I have to suffer ?
What if I can take it no more ?
Will you come rescue me
Even if I don't ask you ?

HATE, PAIN, DISGUST

2007-09-26T11:09:00.000+02:00

You molested my pure, innocent, body
As you forced yourself on me
Killing what was left of me

IT WAS A YEAR AGO

2007-09-26T10:58:00.000+02:00

He said he loved me
I guess it made me feel happy
Then the next thing I know
He lay me down
He stripped me naked
And my vision went black
As he did that to me
I was petrified I couldn't move
It all happened so fast
He hurt me so bad
In my head and body
It's been now a year
And I still can't sleep
Or even try to live
As I keep reliving it 24/7 in my head
Day and night
Always feeling that pain
And all those nightmares
Scared of men to death
Hating myself even more
Talking about that to nobody
Trying to pretend it didn't happen
I wish I died a year ago
The blade here more than ever
I always thought
My first time
Would be something special
So nice and romantic
And certainly not... rape!
Now everyday as I'm hurt by all that
And everyday I blame myself
Thinking it's my fault
I trusted him, he loved me
Those thoughts as I replay that hurt me so bad
It's killing me more everyday
Keeping it all inside
Like always all I can do is hide
And ease the pain my own way
The blade closer than ever

ONE PAIN TO GET RID OF ANOTHER

2007-08-20T00:55:00.000+02:00

Shutting my eyes
Feeling kinda high
Blade falling on the floor
Opening a new door
No more emotional pain
That sweet release to gain
Emptyness in my head
Now at least I can rest

MY SWEET DRUG

2007-08-20T00:52:00.000+02:00

Feeling so bad at night
As it's not only during the day
I don't always know why
It sometimes comes for no reason
Calling me out of sleep
I so hate it but I so need it
Nothing I can do, I'm addicted

COURAGE

2007-08-09T11:03:00.000+02:00

It takes more courage
To put down that knife
Than use it
I wish I was strong
But I'm weak
I swear sometimes I try to fight
But it's so hard it hurts so much
Much more than you could ever imagine
Too hard I can't do it
It's part of me I need it
I wish you could teach me another way
Show me how
Save me

ANOTHER RED TEAR

2007-08-09T10:52:00.000+02:00

Why did that red tear escape my body
To join her 1 000 000... other friends
What happened this time ?
What if I can't tell why ?
Am I bad for being who I am ?
Or am I bad for hiding the real me to everyone
Or bad for failing when trying to change, get better
So many questions left unanswered in my silly head
I will never find the answers
Those red tears fall everyday
It is who I am, what I've become
And it's almost been a decade now
And sadly I know it will never stop
I have tried but am not strong enough
It is too hard it hurts too much
I'm a worthless mess
A lost cause
So don't waste your time on me
Even though deep inside I wish you could save me
But hush tell nobody

NOTHING TO SAVE

2007-08-09T10:49:00.000+02:00

Nobody cares what I want
Or even feel or think
I'm invisible anyway
I'm nothing at all
You can't save me
Because there is nothing to save
I'm dead already
And think I have always been

DYING IN THIS HELL

2007-08-09T10:47:00.000+02:00

Dying in this hell
Wishing you could help
Wondering what you'd do
If only I could tell you

I'M FINE, CAN'T YOU SEE ?

2007-06-25T23:58:00.000+02:00

Wondering what happens if you go too deep
Will the nightmare end then ?
Everyday the same hell
You try to be strong
But you know you can't
Addictions ruin your life
You're just waiting to die
You want it all to stop
You've had enough
You want to be free
You know nobody can save you
Who the hell cares anyway ?
You're all alone
With your only way to cope
Dying in this hole
And yet everyday
You fake a smile to everyone
And tell lies
And everyday everyone believes that you're fine !

THAT BLOOD I LOST

2007-06-25T23:49:00.000+02:00

Writing with my blood
Looking for a cloth
Trying not to get it rough
Thinking I've had enough

RED SEA

2007-06-25T23:48:00.000+02:00

Lost in a red sea
For eternity
You don't know me
You can't save me

NO TEARS

2007-06-25T23:47:00.000+02:00

No tears in the eyes
They fall from my arms
I hide and tell lies
Everyday so much harm

LOOKING AT THE SKY

2007-06-25T23:45:00.000+02:00

Looking at the sky
Like to say goodbye
Holding on a knife
Wanting to end this life

I WISH I COULD

2007-05-28T09:02:00.000+02:00

My skin is screaming for me to stop
But my mind won’t let me
Everyday more tears of blood
Trying to escape this painful reality

WORSE THAN DYING

2007-05-21T06:58:00.000+02:00

My scissors my only friend
The only one to understand
All that suffering
Worse than dying

WHEN U NEED SOMETHING U LOVE & HATE

2007-05-09T21:07:00.000+02:00

It hurts so bad
But feels so good
Why so sad and mad
Doing myself no good

ERASE MY PAST

2007-05-09T21:02:00.000+02:00

I want to turn back
I so wish I could
I would have never gone mad
I would have never done that

SECRETS AND LIES TO HIDE THE PAIN

2007-05-09T21:01:00.000+02:00

My secrets lie behind
My silences and fake smiles
And everything I hide
The pain I feel inside

LOST IN A RED SEA

2007-04-25T23:14:00.000+02:00

Lost in a red sea
You can't save me
Hiding in my shell
Scared of myself
Everyday I live in hell

A LOST BATTLE

2007-04-25T23:13:00.000+02:00

Can you ever win this war
When everyday you look at yourself
Wishing you could cry
And be free from this hell

THOSE FEELINGS

2007-04-25T23:11:00.000+02:00

I cannot explain what I feel
But I know it's for real
That pain everyday I feel
In the end is it such a big deal ?

I LIE TO MAKE EVERYTHING ALRIGHT

2007-04-15T13:50:00.000+02:00

When everything's wrong
I say everything's fine
Whn you wonder what's going on
I smile and tell you a lie

YOU

2007-04-09T23:20:00.000+02:00

Save my life
Make everything alright
Take my hand
Say that you understand
And will never leave
But always be there to help me heal

CANT CRY NO TEARS NO MORE

2007-04-09T23:12:00.000+02:00

I cry my eyes dry
As I watch myself bleed
I got no more tears
As they would never ease
The pain I've always felt inside
And always had to hide
I wish I would die
So that relief through my skin everyday I wouldn't seek

AM I TO BLAME

2007-04-09T23:10:00.000+02:00

Am I to blame
For all the pain ?
I live in a lie
As everyday I hide
That addiction
I wish I could be strong
I want to just give up
I wish I could just wake up

ALL I KNOW IS I NEED YOU EVEN IF I HATE YOU

2007-04-08T10:24:00.000+02:00

The only friend I can turn to
At any point in the day and night
Always there to ease the pain
And make me feel better
Never giving up on me
Always near
Do I hate it, do I love it ?
Whatever, all I know is I need it

A FRIEND

2007-04-08T10:18:00.000+02:00

A friend
Always there to take your hand
The blade
Always there to ease your pain

WORDS OF HATE ON HER BODY

2007-03-25T10:05:00.000+02:00

She was writing words of hate all over her body
With her own blood hoping you would never see
The dark secret she's been hiding for years
Secretly hoping that herself someone could save

MY CLOSEST FRIEND

2007-03-25T10:03:00.000+02:00

Everyday I try to be strong
Everyday I know what I do is wrong
But it's my closest friend
The only one to help and understand

WRAP YOUR ARMS AROUND ME

2007-03-25T09:59:00.000+02:00

Wishing I was in your arms
So I wouldn't be dying inside
As you wouldn't let me
Everyday hurt my body

I DRAW YOU A PICTURE ON MY SKIN

2007-03-12T02:16:00.000+01:00

Everyday I draw you a picture
With a blade
I draw it on my body
Deep in my skin
And that red fountain
Always appears
To take away my pain
Decrease that frustration
Wash away my sorrow

BLEEDING TO EASE

2007-03-12T02:13:00.000+01:00

Everyday I bleed
Knowing you don't care
No one's there
It's just me and the blade

NOBODY

2007-03-10T00:07:00.000+01:00

I can trust nobody
Be real with nobody
Be honest with nobody
Say the way I really feel to nobody
Confide in nobody
I can't be me with anybody
Because they all betray me

?

2007-03-09T23:44:00.000+01:00

I thought I had a true friend
But I was wrong once again
I thought this one would be on my side
And finally make me see the light
He would sometimes even make me smile
And tell me "no lie"
But again I was all wrong
And probably was all along
I could never forgive, never forget
That's all I ever get
And I even had some hope at times
But should have known it was all lies
I wanted to believe that he was different
But can a guy ever be different ?
I wanted him to slowly, or soon, know all of me
And often hoped, dreamed, he could maybe help me
But it always seemed so scary
Now that everything is gone
I don't know what's going on
Who my true friends are

PAIN, PAIN, PAIN

2007-03-07T00:16:00.000+01:00

My only escape
Me and the blade
Everyday so much pain
Bleeding in the rain

ADDICTIONS & WITHDRAWALS

2007-03-04T02:30:00.000+01:00

Withdrawals
When something's missing
Something your body doesn't want
Something your mind's craving
Something you need
When you try to resist
You feel so bad
Your body shaking
Your mind wandering
That inner voice saying
"Just one more time"
"The very last time"
But you know it's just a lie
As everyday you say it's the last time
You can't fight
And always give in
You know you'll never be alright

HEAL ME ?

2007-02-28T00:31:00.000+01:00

Stop the bleeding
Heal the suffering
Kill the inner demons hiding
No more feeling
That pain dying

BODY DOESNT WANT IT MIND CRAVES IT

2007-02-28T00:27:00.000+01:00

An addiction
Is like poison
Eating you inside
Craved by the mind

NOTHING YOU COULD DO FOR A LOST CAUSE :(

2007-02-16T00:53:00.000+01:00

Those thoughts inside my head are killing me
But yet I won't tell anybody
My suffering, my battle
Nothing anyone could handle
Bleeding for the way I feel
One day I wish I could heal

MY SWEET BAD RELIEF

2007-02-10T14:47:00.000+01:00

When I make myself feel
As everyday I try to ease
My inner demons leave
Through my own blood as I bleed
I feel that inner peace
Before again too bad I feel
And once more try to reach
My sweet bad relief

ADDICTIONS KILL

2007-02-10T14:37:00.000+01:00

Addictions change a person
You're not yourself anymore
Far from all
Honest or real with none
Because you keep it a secret
So nobody knows
How you destroy yourself everyday
Sadly, the only thing you can think of day and night
Torturing you every second of everyday
Even though you try hard to fight
Knowing it's wrong it's bad
You always give in the temptation
Yourself you can't control anymore
That addiction has power over you
Living hell everyday
Hiding from all
Suffering alone
You wish you could tell
A friend how much you need them
But once again you just keep to yourself
Hoping this hell would end

EVERYDAY I HIDE AND DIE

2007-02-10T14:34:00.000+01:00

I bet you've never felt like this
Tension building up inside
So hard so fast
So hurt deep inside
About to explode
I have to be hurt on the outside
To feel better in the inside
But you can't understand
You wouldn't even want to try
Everyday I hide
Everyday I die

DONT CARE NO MORE

2007-02-04T02:54:00.000+01:00

Trapped in a world of my own
Chaos inside me
Nothing but pain, anger and more
Also emptiness and death
Everything I never say
Nothing left of me
Been bad to myself for too long
Everything going wrong
Keeping to myself
Just living in hell
That's all I deserve
I don't care no more
I give up
I'm a lost cause

TRAPPED IN THIS HELL I KEEP SECRET

2007-02-01T00:56:00.000+01:00

Trapped in my life
Never leaving without a knife
I can't cry any tear
The blade is always near
Because all I can do is bleed
Because it's what I need
I have no choice, no control
That addiction took it all
Trying to get rid of that pain
Red tears falling like the rain
I need it to get through the day
It's now been 7 years since that very first day
The only way to ease that tension and everything I keep inside
As from all everything everyday I hide
This pain must remain unseen, only to me it's real
To you it would seem unreal
Those secret wounds will never heal
Anyway, is it such a big deal ?
It started as a way to escape those overwhelming feelings
Now everyday as I have to do it it's worse than dying

Nobody I talk to, it's my secret

Of course one I will always regret
I lost myself along the way
I wish you could save my life everyday

WISHING I NEVER DID THAT

2007-02-01T00:50:00.000+01:00

Lost in fear and hate
As well as hurt and pain
This is worse than death
Nothing you could ever understand
Because you've never done that
And trust me I wish I never had !

I'M FINE, REALLY, BELIEVE MY LIES

2007-02-01T00:41:00.000+01:00

I live in a nightmare
But yet pretend to all that it's a dream
Making up happy and funny events and stories about me
So they will like me
And not get to know the real me
Never wanting to face reality
And never sharing with anybody
Because it's too scary
So I always live in that lie
That everything is fine
Everyday telling you that everything's great and I'm fine

BLOOD FALLING LIKE A RIVER

2007-02-01T00:27:00.000+01:00

I'm broken into pieces
Nobody could ever understand this
I can't be put back together
Blood falling like a river

CHANGE DOESNT HAPPEN

2007-02-01T00:21:00.000+01:00

Why should I
Believe in change
When I've tried so hard
Several times in the past
Always failed
Everything even worse after each try
I finally gave up
This addiction I can't beat
No, that battle I always lose
Will have all of me
But it's our secret
It's just between you and me
Dear diary don't betray me !

DO YOU LOVE OR CARE ?

2007-02-01T00:12:00.000+01:00

Do you love me the way I love you
Or are you playing with me too ?
Would you catch me if I fall ?
Would you even care at all ?

SURVIVING OR DYING

2007-01-31T23:24:00.000+01:00

Am I trying to die
Or am I trying to survive ?
Why do I have to bleed
When I'm trying to ease ?
Why am I alone
With my only way to cope ?
Why can't I look into your eyes
As I'm telling you a lie ?
Why so much pain and anger
Why do I have to suffer ?
Why won't you just let me die
And be relieved from that battle I can't fight

MY SILENT SCREAM

2007-01-24T00:17:00.000+01:00

Everyday scars run deep
Because I can't scream
My skin tells a million stories
As everyday I bleed
You can't hear me
Those red tears are my secret
This is my silent scream

SOMETIMES HIDING IS HARD

2007-01-24T00:03:00.000+01:00

I hid my arm behind my back
And also quickly hid the blade
As I heard you coming closer
And didn't want you to find out
What I've been hiding for so many years
Tears of blood still falling on the floor
Yes, like everyday I did it again
Now I am so ashamed
Oh God I hope you will never see
You can't know what is really me
Keep taking those fake smiles for reality
And believe that I'm truly happy and nothing's wrong
Keep thinking I'm the funny girl you like
Ignoring that it's just an act
To hide everything else so deep inside
And yet at the same time I wish
You would make everything alright

STILL FALLING HARDER

2007-01-23T23:58:00.000+01:00

That pain will never leave
Nothing will ever heal
Lost, confused, desperate and all alone
Everyday harder in secret I fall

DONT BE LIKE ME

2007-01-23T23:54:00.001+01:00

Bleeding out my demons everyday
Trying to ease my own way
Wishing there was someone to take it outta my hand someday
Showing me another way

SECRETS KILL

2007-01-23T23:54:00.000+01:00

How could you ever forget
When it's marked deep on your skin
Days after days
After so many years
Your biggest secret ever
It won't go away
So you will never forget
And never understand
How you became this mess

GETTING RID OF ME

2007-01-23T23:52:00.000+01:00

Blood leaves my body
As life leaves me
Don't you worry
Soon you'll be happy
As you got rid of me !

LOST, DEAD

2007-01-17T00:09:00.000+01:00

Once lost
Never found
Once dead
Never cried

NO MORE TEARS TO CRY

2007-01-13T01:35:00.000+01:00

Sadness in the eyes
No more tears to cry
Lost in the lies
(just) waiting to die

FAKE SMILES, REAL PAIN

2007-01-13T01:32:00.000+01:00

The fake smile fades
As the hidden tears remain
And so does the pain
So you buy new blades

SECRET PAIN

2007-01-13T01:31:00.000+01:00

Secret pain
Blood in the vein
In secret let out a few drops
Close to bandages and cloths

ME

2007-01-13T01:28:00.000+01:00

I need to suffer on the outside
To kill the demon inside
My body is like an open book
But you could only see if you took a look
And I don’t want you to see
What is really me

AM I WRITING TO FORGET OR TO REMEMBER ?

2007-01-08T12:59:00.000+01:00

I just write for myself
Feeling safe as nobody around me could read
So I can say anything I want to say
And be honest with myself, what I feel

SO SICK OF LIVING LIKE THIS

2007-01-08T12:58:00.000+01:00

So hurt, about to explode
Heading for her purse
To find her needed knife
Seeking relief
Deep inside she wants to scream
Alone in the bathroom she shuts her eyes
Ready to find relief with the blade
Soon the blood follows
Nobody could understand the way she feels
Herself she couldn’t explain
She feels a bit better as she feels that well known pain
But also so ashamed for what she’s done once again
She’s in another world for a short moment
Feeling nothing but that new pain she herself caused
Her head seems empty for a while
She feels better and yet so bad
Hating herself even more for doing that
Wishing there was someone to take her out of it
Someone to care and love her
And show her another way

SAVE ME FROM MYSELF

2007-01-08T12:57:00.000+01:00

Save me from myself
Hold me tight and never let go
Tell me that everything will be alright
That you can save me
Free my head and body
Let me out of my prison, that addiction
My life
My death
My suicide

CANT PUT WORDS ON MY FEELINGS

2007-01-08T12:56:00.000+01:00

I can’t put words on my feelings
Or anything that’s happening
But as nobody never listened
We will never know what would have happened
It doesn’t matter now
They can’t see I’m going down
Everyday the way/what I feel I don’t understand
As I look at the blade in my hand
After keeping many things inside for some time
It explodes big time
As I can do nothing else but use it on myself
Everyday I hide from all as I live in hell
Everyday I wish it was a nightmare and I will wake up
But as I feel that pain I need
And see myself bleed
I know this is no nightmare
It’s real
I’m a lost cause
I will never heal

ANOTHER NIGHT

2007-01-08T12:54:00.001+01:00

At night again
I can’t sleep
Don’t feel well
Don’t know why
But it won’t go away
Unless…
No I don’t want to think about it
But I can’t not to
The only thing in my mind
Day and night
All the time
I’m sick of this life
Please don’t let me do this
I’m on my knees begging for release
Hold me tight
Tell me that with you by my side it’ll all be okay
Tell me that you can change my life
And make it all right
Make it worth living
Please take it away from me
Out of my hand
Tell me I don’t need to be ashamed of who I am
Just do something
Don’t let me go on like this
After so long I’ve been too far already
I reached the bottom
And fear I would never see the light again
Because it feels like this is the end
Please tell me you can do something
But now I realize
That at 2.21 am I’m wasting my time
You’re not there
Nobody is
I’m all alone
Dying in this
I guess I’ll just do it again
Then maybe I can close my eyes
And tomorrow will start another fight
That I know I can’t win
The only thing I can do is smile
And tell everyone that I’m okay or fine
And that everything is alright
Everyday the same lie
But as long as you believe it it’s fine

SHARP LIKE A BLADE

2007-01-08T12:54:00.000+01:00

Sweet like a kiss
You follow my vein
Sharp like the blade you are
You enter my skin and make me bleed
We become one